Wednesday, September 7, 2016

What once was, will not always be

I can't sleep.  It's 2:44 am and my eyes are so heavy, but every time I close them, my mind starts racing, and I can't relax.

I recently moved into my own apartment, and as I was unpacking boxes earlier tonight, I came across some pictures of my ex and I from back in 2009 when we first met in New Mexico. I was completely shocked because I hadn't seen these pictures in years.  For about 30 seconds, those pictures brought back good memories.  It was funny to see how young we looked!  I remember when those pictures were taken, we were extremely drunk and we were being so silly.  It was our first date, if I remember correctly and we had so much fun that night.  When you're on your first date with someone, you never think of all the pain and heartache that lies ahead.  You are focused on the moment, and you wonder if you and that person have any sort of future together.  I remember hoping that he liked me as much as I liked him.  I was so nervous wondering if he thought I was funny, or pretty, or if he wanted to see me again.  But then, all of a sudden, it was like we had known each other for years.  We were laughing like old friends, and sharing stories about family and friends.  I couldn't get enough of him!  He was like a drug that I was suddenly addicted to.  I wanted to see his smile all the time.  I wanted his voice to be the first thing I heard in the morning, and the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep.  I couldn't tell him this, of course, because we both knew it was just a summer fling, and it more than likely would nor could ever develop into anything else.  I just enjoyed him while I had him.  Those couple of weeks were great, but then it ended just as quickly as it had started.  He went back to Dallas, and I headed back to Corpus Christi.

We stayed in touch for awhile, but it just faded out. We even met up in San Marcos once, but it was so different.  It felt so forced.  Not at all like it did in Artesia.  I think we both gave up after that. There was the occasional "Hey! What's up?  Hope you're doing well", Facebook message, but not even those lasted.  Until.....I randomly sent him one of those familiar Facebook messages last year, and the rest you know.

So, now we're here, which is nowhere.  I've moved on and this move has been so good for me. I'm loving everything about my life, until I'm reminded of him and our failed relationship.  I know that every single day there's a good possibility that I will be reminded.  It could be a song, or a place we went together, or a motorcycle, or an article that I read that I can't wait to tell him about until I realize that I can't.  Or a picture.  It's like that 80's song, "There's always something there to remind me"'s so damn true!  There's ALWAYS something.  When will it stop?  Will it ever stop?  Will I ever stop getting sad and nostalgic when I'm reminded of him???  Yes, there were lots of great memories, but there were bad ones, too.  Those are the ones I try to think of when I'm slapped in the face with another reminder.  I don't want to think of him fondly, because he doesn't really deserve that.  I want to think of him and think, "yeah, we dated. and then we broke-up", end of story.  Every time I think I'm getting closer to feeling that way, there's another damn reminder shaking me and saying, "hahahaha! not so fast!"  But I have to admit that it is getting somewhat easier.  There are still certain  reminders that I can't bounce back from as quickly as others, like the pictures.  I hate to see how happy we once were, because it pisses me off that we could've been like that ALWAYS if he wouldn't have just given up so easily.

I know they say that time heals all wounds, and I do believe that, but come on!  Enough is enough already!!!  Everyday is a new day, and eventually he will become just a memory.  A memory that won't haunt me, just a memory of someone I was once in love with.

I pray that God brings a man into my life that will be grateful for how passionate I am.  A man that will love me for who I am, and not ever want me to change.  A man that is honest, and loving, and respectful.  A man that would NEVER do anything to hurt me.  A man that appreciates the fact that I will always fight for what I want, and for what I believe in, and loves the fact that I will never give up on him.  A man who adores me for how goofy and silly I can be, and thinks it's awesome that I'm kind of clumsy and have so many "blonde" moments.  A man who will love it when I sing my favorite song like I'm in concert!  A man who can and will communicate openly.  And most importantly, a man who loves God as much as I do.  I have faith that God is bringing me this man because He knows that I'm worthy of that Amazing kind of love!

In the meantime, I will continue to love my new life, be happy and be grateful for all that the Lord has blessed me with. And I will be patient with the "letting go" phase.  I will not allow the ghosts of my past to keep me from moving forward towards my future.

Memories are good.  But I have to remember that what once was, will not always be.  Falling out of love, true love, is never an easy thing.  But letting those reminders be JUST  reminders is the first step to letting go.

Peace & Love