Saturday, December 31, 2016

Happy New Year!!!

As we head into the final hour of 2016, I am at home, in my favorite t-shirt all snuggled up in my bed!  I've never been crazy about being out and about on NYE, so I am completely content!

I have been thinking about the past year, and I must tell you, it has been one helluva crazy year!  Ups and downs, successes and failures, you know what I'm talking about.  As much as I have struggled this past year, and despite all the difficulty I have faced, I wouldn't change a single thing.  This past year has taught me some very important lessons.

I have learned that God always provides if you have Faith.

I have learned that in difficult times, you find out who your real friends are.

I have learned that the only person's opinion that matters regarding my life, is MINE.

I have learned that you should NEVER give up on something that is important to you.

I have learned that forgiveness is key if you want to move on.

I have learned that true love does exist.

I have learned that people can change for the better.

I have learned that letting go of all things negative is healthy.

I have learned that I love myself more than I ever thought possible.

I have learned that sometimes you have to be alone in order to appreciate those you love.

I have learned that what I want is what's important.

I have learned that it's just as important to try as it is to succeed.

I have learned that going back to church is exactly what I needed at this point in my life.

I have learned that making sacrifices makes you a stronger person.

I have learned to be appreciative for second chances.

I have learned that second chances require extra effort.

But above all, this past year has taught me to be appreciative for all I have because it could always be worse.  Take the good with the bad because those tough situations are lessons and God places those tough situations in your life for a reason.  Be patient and wait for God's promise, because it IS coming!

As always, tell your loved ones that you love them and be grateful for your blessings!  Be kind, and patient, and believe in yourself!  Happy New Year!!!

Peace & Love

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Current Mood...

I've been wonderin', why'd you leave me here
And call me cryin', never-ending tears
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

I've been thinkin', you drive me crazy
And you never kiss me unless you're wasted
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

Am I supposed to let you in?
You tear my walls down; I build 'em again
Now my heart is broken. You're gone, and I'm numb
And I can't believe I called this love

I've been hopin' you would try to explain
But never knowin', I guess that's kind of the same
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

I've been tryin' to find out what we had
You had me blinded, and I feel dumb for that
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

Am I supposed to let you in?
You tear my walls down.  I build 'em again
Now my heart is broken.  You're gone, and I'm numb
And I can't believe I called this love

Am I supposed to let you in?
You tear my walls down.  I build 'em again
Now my heart is broken.  You're gone, and I'm numb
And I can't believe I....
I can't believe I...
I can't believe I ever called this love

I Can't Believe I Called This Love
        by  The Reed Brothers

Monday, November 14, 2016

Anything but normal...

I haven't felt like myself lately, which is why I haven't written in awhile.  I've been doing a lot of writing, but only for myself.  I've been writing things that are far too personal to share, and I have to admit that I had hoped it would help me to feel better about things, but I seem to only get lost in my words.  Usually my writing helps me to see things more clearly, and helps me to understand the jumbled thoughts that have clouded my judgment.  But lately I have been fighting a personal struggle and I have been unable to evade my confusion.

Earlier this summer, I took a leap of faith and moved to a new city to start a new life for myself.  I accepted a job that I was excited about, and packed up my car and my dog, Coco, and  we set out on a new adventure.  After only a few weeks at this new job, my employer began cheating me out of pay. He deliberately cheated me out of hours worked, and adjusted my time sheets and only paid me what he wanted to.  For fear of getting fired, I let it slide the first two times he did this, but when it happened a third time, I knew I had to stand up for myself and say something.  When I did, my worst fear came through.  He not only fired me, but evicted me from the home I was sharing with my cousin because he was the owner.  He gave me three days to be out of the house.  I refused to give up and go back home because I was adamant that I could still make this work.

Everyday is a struggle because I know that I am capable of more than this.  I know that I should be doing more than this.  I know that I should have a job where I feel challenged, and useful.  Where I can use my experience and training, and not just pray for good tips.  Don't get me wrong, I love waiting tables.  I love the interaction with people and getting to meet and talk to people I might not have the chance to talk to outside of work.  But at my age and with my background, I should be doing something more.  The job market here is unstable and there's not many opportunities.  So, I do what I need to do, but I'm not satisfied with that.  I want more.

I have seriously thought about selling everything I own and just traveling.  I would give anything to be able to combine the two things I love the most; traveling and writing, and make a living.  But I worry that that's an unattainable goal.  That maybe it's not realistic.  Some would say that I need to do whatever it takes to "pay the bills" and live a normal life, but what if I'm meant to do more than that? What if I'm meant to live outside the box?  Let's face it, my life has been anything but normal.  I didn't meet the love of my life in college, then graduate and get married to move on and have 2.5 kids, live in the suburbs and drive a minivan.  And honestly, I can't imagine that I would've been happy with that life.  I'm not saying it's not a good's just not for me.  I'm not saying that I should've been famous or anything like that, I just always saw my life so differently.

And now, here I am, single and unhappy.  So, what do I do to change all that?  Where do I start? These are the questions that haunt me daily.  I feel like I'm drowning because I absolutely HATE what my life has become.  I have no desire to wake up day after day to do the same damn thing over and over for the rest of my life.  I don't want to go to the same job everyday, with the same people, making shitty money just to pay rent and bills.  For me, that's just not enough.  I want to LIVE and LOVE my life. Someone told me the other day that it was nearly impossible to find a job that you love.  I'm sorry, but I don't believe that.  I refuse to believe that.  It may not be within my grasp right now, but I know it's out there.  There has to be more to life than repetition.  There has to be more to life than working for people like the man who screwed me out of pay that I earned.

I want so badly to make a plan for 2017 that will allow me to spread my wings and find myself. To figure out who I really am and not who people think I should be.  Because who I've tried to be for the past 45 years just isn't working for me anymore.

Peace & Love,


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Tough decisions

You hold on and continue to fight, not because you are desperate or pathetic, but because you believe with your heart and soul that it's worth it. But there comes a time when you have to let go because you're the only one fighting. Just because you realize that it's time to stop fighting, doesn't mean you want to. It just means that you realize there's nothing more that you can do.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

What once was, will not always be

I can't sleep.  It's 2:44 am and my eyes are so heavy, but every time I close them, my mind starts racing, and I can't relax.

I recently moved into my own apartment, and as I was unpacking boxes earlier tonight, I came across some pictures of my ex and I from back in 2009 when we first met in New Mexico. I was completely shocked because I hadn't seen these pictures in years.  For about 30 seconds, those pictures brought back good memories.  It was funny to see how young we looked!  I remember when those pictures were taken, we were extremely drunk and we were being so silly.  It was our first date, if I remember correctly and we had so much fun that night.  When you're on your first date with someone, you never think of all the pain and heartache that lies ahead.  You are focused on the moment, and you wonder if you and that person have any sort of future together.  I remember hoping that he liked me as much as I liked him.  I was so nervous wondering if he thought I was funny, or pretty, or if he wanted to see me again.  But then, all of a sudden, it was like we had known each other for years.  We were laughing like old friends, and sharing stories about family and friends.  I couldn't get enough of him!  He was like a drug that I was suddenly addicted to.  I wanted to see his smile all the time.  I wanted his voice to be the first thing I heard in the morning, and the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep.  I couldn't tell him this, of course, because we both knew it was just a summer fling, and it more than likely would nor could ever develop into anything else.  I just enjoyed him while I had him.  Those couple of weeks were great, but then it ended just as quickly as it had started.  He went back to Dallas, and I headed back to Corpus Christi.

We stayed in touch for awhile, but it just faded out. We even met up in San Marcos once, but it was so different.  It felt so forced.  Not at all like it did in Artesia.  I think we both gave up after that. There was the occasional "Hey! What's up?  Hope you're doing well", Facebook message, but not even those lasted.  Until.....I randomly sent him one of those familiar Facebook messages last year, and the rest you know.

So, now we're here, which is nowhere.  I've moved on and this move has been so good for me. I'm loving everything about my life, until I'm reminded of him and our failed relationship.  I know that every single day there's a good possibility that I will be reminded.  It could be a song, or a place we went together, or a motorcycle, or an article that I read that I can't wait to tell him about until I realize that I can't.  Or a picture.  It's like that 80's song, "There's always something there to remind me"'s so damn true!  There's ALWAYS something.  When will it stop?  Will it ever stop?  Will I ever stop getting sad and nostalgic when I'm reminded of him???  Yes, there were lots of great memories, but there were bad ones, too.  Those are the ones I try to think of when I'm slapped in the face with another reminder.  I don't want to think of him fondly, because he doesn't really deserve that.  I want to think of him and think, "yeah, we dated. and then we broke-up", end of story.  Every time I think I'm getting closer to feeling that way, there's another damn reminder shaking me and saying, "hahahaha! not so fast!"  But I have to admit that it is getting somewhat easier.  There are still certain  reminders that I can't bounce back from as quickly as others, like the pictures.  I hate to see how happy we once were, because it pisses me off that we could've been like that ALWAYS if he wouldn't have just given up so easily.

I know they say that time heals all wounds, and I do believe that, but come on!  Enough is enough already!!!  Everyday is a new day, and eventually he will become just a memory.  A memory that won't haunt me, just a memory of someone I was once in love with.

I pray that God brings a man into my life that will be grateful for how passionate I am.  A man that will love me for who I am, and not ever want me to change.  A man that is honest, and loving, and respectful.  A man that would NEVER do anything to hurt me.  A man that appreciates the fact that I will always fight for what I want, and for what I believe in, and loves the fact that I will never give up on him.  A man who adores me for how goofy and silly I can be, and thinks it's awesome that I'm kind of clumsy and have so many "blonde" moments.  A man who will love it when I sing my favorite song like I'm in concert!  A man who can and will communicate openly.  And most importantly, a man who loves God as much as I do.  I have faith that God is bringing me this man because He knows that I'm worthy of that Amazing kind of love!

In the meantime, I will continue to love my new life, be happy and be grateful for all that the Lord has blessed me with. And I will be patient with the "letting go" phase.  I will not allow the ghosts of my past to keep me from moving forward towards my future.

Memories are good.  But I have to remember that what once was, will not always be.  Falling out of love, true love, is never an easy thing.  But letting those reminders be JUST  reminders is the first step to letting go.

Peace & Love

Sunday, July 24, 2016

That Laid Back Vibe!!!

So, I've been in New Braunfels for about a month now, and I have to tell you, I'm loving it!!!  I'm really enjoying my new job and I love being so close to the river!

With my job, I get to meet so many people.  People from all different walks of life.  People from all over the country.  People who come out here every year to camp and float the river, and people who are here for their first time.  They say Disneyland is the "happiest place on earth", but they're wrong...River Road is!!!

I haven't really done any exploring yet, but I am getting to know my way around and have even discovered some back roads that save time and bypass traffic.  I'm so close to Gruene, and for those of you from Texas, you know that it's beautiful there.  With so many shops, and The Gristmill restaurant, and Gruene Hall, it has quickly become one of my favorite spots.

If you know me at all, then you know that two of my favorite things to do are, float the river, and see/listen to live music.  I'd have to say that I'm in the perfect place for that!!!  It's so beautiful here and there is so much to do and see that I know I'll never be bored.

This experience so far has been positive.  There is no drama, no stress, and I literally feel like a different person being here.  The vibe here is laid back, and relaxed and I couldn't feel more like myself!

The main reason I haven't written very much is because I have no phone signal out here and the WiFi is super sketchy!  Ahhhhh! The ONE drawback of living out here!  Then again, my phone being silent the majority of the time is not that bad!

I hope you all had a great weekend and I hope this next week flies by for ya!

Peace & Love

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

New Beginnings, New Me

I know it has been so long since I last wrote, but there have been so many changes in my life.  I wanted, and needed, to make some major changes, and when I was feeling low, opportunity came knocking at my door!

I was feeling so down and broken.  I was so stressed out with my living situation and my job and all I could think about was making a change.  I needed to make something happen.  But, when nothing was going my way, I began to feel frustrated, but I refused to give up hope.  My faith carried me through, and after a lot of praying and asking God for direction, a new job opportunity which would require me to move to an area that I was trying to move to anyway, literally fell in my lap.  I went for the interview, and was offered the job on the spot!  Again, accepting the job would mean moving and leaving my family, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.  It was bittersweet.  But I knew that I would only be 3 hours from home and that I would still be able to visit without it being such a long trip.  So...I accepted the job, and I moved a little over a week ago!  I started my new job, and I am staying with my cousin for a month, or two, until I get on my feet.  I'm giving myself two months to save up some money and then I will look for my own place.  I am so excited about that!!!

I'm a happier person just being here.  Everything is so laid back, and everyone is always so pleasant that I feel right at home.  I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I'm really enjoying my life for the first time in a very long time.  I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and I am working a job that I don't have much experience in, but I have caught on quickly and I am truly loving what I do for a living.  It's amazing what can happen when you give it to God and release the control you think you have over your life!!!  I literally feel like a different person.  God is Good!

I do miss my family, but I am looking forward to seeing them in a few weeks.  Especially my niece and nephew!  I miss them terribly, but this was something that needed to be done, and I am so grateful that I possess the strength and courage to just step out on faith, and go!  I don't worry about what will happen because I know this is where I'm supposed to be.  This is just another stop on my journey!!!

I  appreciate all the love and concern, and asking for new blog entries!  That really means a lot to me! I will continue with the blog, hopefully more regularly, and write about all of the new things going on in my life.  Until then....

Peace & Love

Friday, May 20, 2016

What I've Learned...

I know it has been awhile since I last wrote, but I have been so unbelievably busy!  Certain things that I have been praying for finally started to happen and all of a sudden, my life became full!  I have missed writing so, so much and I am so happy to finally be at my laptop again.  I think I picked the perfect time to write again, and here is the reason why...

As I sit here on the eve of my 45th birthday, I have been reflecting on my life, especially the past year.  There have been many ups and downs, failures and successes, and prayers answered and unanswered. Despite the tears and laughter I experienced this past year, I have learned so much.  Not just about myself, but about others as well.

I have learned that it's OK to walk away from a situation or relationship that only brings you sadness. Don't EVER allow someone to make you feel inferior, unimportant, small, unworthy, unlovable, or unhappy.

I have learned that it's OK to be selfish and say NO!  Stand up for yourself and do what makes YOU happy.  You can still love and respect the people around you and accomplish what it is that YOU want to do with YOUR life.  The people that you think will be the most upset and disappointed, may surprise you and be your biggest cheerleaders.  Just take that leap of faith and put your dreams into action!

I have learned that no matter how many friends you have, only a handful will ALWAYS be there when you need them.

I have learned that I REALLY love cupcakes!  I crave them daily!!!  But, I have lost 10 pounds in the past month and this keeps me from divulging in that guilty pleasure!

I have learned that I love my family more than words can say.  We may not always get along or agree, but they are my family, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

I have learned that I am a good writer and that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Writing makes me happy and I look forward to doing it as a career.

I have learned that nothing comes easy.  Anything worth having, is worth the hard work it will require.  Whether that be a job, a relationship, a friendship, career move, anything.

I have learned that I can save money when I set my mind to it.  I have a goal and keeping focused on that goal has motivated me to save as much money as I can.

I have learned that I don't need anyone's approval.  I am responsible for my own happiness and well being.  If I fail or succeed, then that is on me.  I am accountable for every mistake and success in my life.  Me and only me.  I may share my thoughts, ideas, and plans with you, but that does not mean I am seeking your approval.  It just means that I care about you enough to include you on my journey.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.  It took the biggest heartbreak of my life for me to realize this, but that heartbreak forced me to be strong and I'm never going to back to the person I was before.  Yes, I still make mistakes.  Yes, I still wish that some things could be different, but I have learned not to force things that don't come easily.  I'm human and I will still fall from time to time, but I know what I deserve and what I don't.

I have learned that it's OK to fail, as long as you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep trying. Never let someone tell you what you can and cannot do.  Don't let anyone deter you from being the best version of yourself.  Every day is a new opportunity to be a better person for yourself and those you love.  Never stop growing and learning!

I have learned that writing this blog has healed me in so many ways.  Even if I am the only person who will ever read these entries, I am proud of myself for doing it.

I have learned that I like myself.  I'm not perfect...not even close, but I like who I am and who I am becoming. It took me 40 + years to become this woman, and I like her!  I am still working towards loving myself, but I am so close!!!  Baby steps!

Most importantly, I have learned that my faith is strong.  My faith is the ONLY reason I am still here and doing what needs to be done.  It's the reason for my strength, my journey, and my positive outlook for my future.  I have faith that I will be happy and successful.  I have faith that I will love again and be loved in return. And I have faith that this road I am on is exactly where I should be.

So, CHEERS to my 45th birthday!  And here's to another 45 years!!!  Love yourself and be happy!!!

Peace & Love


Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Moving On...

It's 3:15 a.m. and I can't sleep, so I thought I'd do a little writing...

I realize that a few of my last entries have been sappy as hell, extremely emotional, and maybe a bit too much.  I'm not apologizing for that because it's how I felt at the time.  But I am happy to say that all that is going to change. I've dealt with the heartache, the disappointment, and the uncertainty of it all and I'm ready to move on.  I know that I will most likely never get the explanation I so desperately want and deserve, and I have made my peace with that.  We sometimes overestimate people and we don't realize that they don't have the same consideration towards others feelings as we do.  They are not capable of being respectful and honest, and because of their own issues, they're unable to "man-up" and do the right thing.  I cannot and will not allow myself to seem desperate for merely wanting answers, and I refuse to let anyone disrespect me any longer.  If you don't want to be in my life, then please, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Don't misunderstand...I'm not at all bitter, I'm just fed up with being disrespected, taken for granted, and tossed aside like a piece of garbage without any thought about my feelings.  The only person I should be worried about is ME. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough, and I have had enough.

God has bigger and better plans for me, and I TRULY believe that.  He would never place someone in my life that causes me this much pain, sorrow, and confusion.  Remember, "God will sometimes end a relationship for your protection.  Don't chase after the person he's trying to save you from."

Time to move on...

Food for thought: Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on ME.

Peace & Love

Sunday, April 24, 2016


I learned yesterday that one of my best friends suddenly lost his brother over the weekend.  My heart goes out to my friend and his family during their time of sorrow.  It brings back so many memories, as my friend also lost his mother when we were in junior high.  I cannot imagine what they must be going through right now.  My thoughts and prayers are with them and I pray that they are able to find some comfort and peace during this difficult time.

Loss comes in so many forms.  The death of a family member or a loved one, the loss of a pet, which is just like a family member, the end of a friendship, and the end of a marriage or a relationship can also fall under this category.  There are so many types of loss, but any form of it can cause sorrow and devastation.

I believe it's so important to let people know how we feel about them, as often as we have the opportunity because you never know if it might be the last time you see them.  None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and I want my friends and family to know exactly how I feel about them. This is why I always say goodbye with a hug and a kiss, and an "I love you." I never want to have regrets about what I should've said or done.  And if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't want my loved ones to wonder how I felt about them.

I try my hardest to be honest with people and make sure that they know how I feel, but sometimes we take for granted that people just know.  Sometimes they don't.  So take the extra time today to tell someone how important they are to you.  Hug them a few seconds longer.  Make the extra effort to make them smile, and always tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you if you have the chance.  We never know if it might be the last time we see them.

When I pray tonight, I will pray for my friend and his family.  I will pray for my friends, family, and loved ones.  And to those who are dearest to me...if I haven't said it to you in awhile, I love you, I miss you, and you mean the world to me!  Have a blessed day!

Peace & Love,

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Drunk On My Tears...

I recently wrote an entry entitled, "Forgive and Move Forward" regarding an ex-boyfriend, who we'll call "Mr. Country Boy" or "CB" for short.  CB came back into my life after weeks of us being apart and said he wanted to be "friends" and possibly give our relationship another chance.  I wasn't sure how I felt about this, at first, because getting over him was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But who am I kidding, I missed him so much, that I was willing to try this whole"friends" thing and see what would happen.  You know when you're in a relationship with someone and they become your best friend?  That's how it was with CB and I.  Well, at least for me.  He was the first person I would want to talk to whenever something good, or bad happened to me.  He was the one person I wanted to tell everything to.  When we broke-up and I lost that privilege, it was devastating.  Not only did I lose the person I loved most in this world, but I lost my best friend, too.  I missed talking to him, and spending time with him.  I missed laughing with him.  I missed doing everything and doing absolutely nothing with him.  I missed him terribly.  My heart was broken.  I was broken.

But eventually, I started to heal.  I moved on.  I started dating again, and I had a new outlook on life and I was making HUGE changes.  I decided that I needed to change some things about myself in order to be happy.  I was putting myself first, for a change.  The changes I made were changes that I wish I would've made long ago, but I obviously wasn't ready until the break-up.  Breaking up and choosing to walk away from a relationship that had gotten very toxic, was so hard for me.  I've never been a strong person, but my faith and lots of prayer gave me the strength I needed to leave CB.  But the aftermath was absolutely horrible and I knew I needed to become a different person; a better person.  So, I began slowly.  I realized what I wanted to do with my life, and I put that plan into motion.  I even started going to counseling because I needed an unbiased opinion regarding the difficult journey that was ahead of me. Counseling has given me the power to realize who I really am and what my next move should be.  It has been the foundation for my strength on this new road that lies ahead of me. It's amazing what you find out about yourself in counseling.  I've learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and more importantly, I've finally accepted that I AM WORTH IT!  I realize my true worth, and I know what I deserve.  Not just in life, but in love.

But when CB came back into my life, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I truly believed that I could give him another chance.  I wanted to "Forgive and Move Forward".  One thing you have to understand about CB, is that, he is a black or white kind of guy.  There's never a gray area.  He's extremely stubborn and doesn't give second chances.  He's never even tried to be friends with an ex-girlfriend.  So, when he popped back into my life, I was literally in shock that he even wanted to talk to me, much less try to be friends, and possibly more.  I was so happy!

We spent some time together and really enjoyed being around each other again.  We laughed a lot and talked a lot, and to me, it felt just like old times.  It was so easy to slip back into old patterns.  I was so comfortable around him, just like I had always been, and eventually that comfort got me into trouble.  One morning, after spending an amazing couple of days together, I told him how I felt about him, us, and trying again.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had made a mistake of gargantuan proportion.  (I explained this in another entry, "Too Much, Too Soon").  I apologized more than once, because it was painfully obvious that his feelings weren't the same as mine.  But he reassured me that we were OK, and no harm was done.  He said he just wasn't ready to have that conversation yet, and that he wasn't able to "process" all that information.  I admitted to him that I wasn't apologizing for expressing my feelings, because that's how I felt, and it was important to me that he knew that especially since he would be leaving for a job overseas pretty soon.  I was, however, apologizing for the bad timing of it all.  I felt bad for being so emotional and just throwing all of my feelings out there so soon.  I have this horrible habit of putting myself out there regardless of the outcome.  I tend to give people way too much credit, and I get hurt often because of this.  He never said he didn't feel the same way, he just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  I wasn't ready to jump back into the relationship at that very moment.  I just thought he would appreciate my honesty and that he would be happy knowing that someone truly loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

We had the ability to be great together.  He's such an amazing person!  He wasn't perfect, but neither am I.  Who the hell is???  But we have so much in common, and we are so comfortable around each other.  We can make each other laugh, and I love how he encourages me to try new things.  New things that I eventually grew to love!  He's supportive, understanding, funny, kind, and a great dad. These are just some of the reasons that I fell in love with him in the first place.  But he always had trouble communicating with me.  For some reason, it was so hard for him to open up to me and I don't think he ever completely opened his heart up to me, and so the relationship was doomed to fail. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it work on my own and the love I had for him wasn't enough to keep the relationship alive.  I stayed longer than I should have, but I didn't want to give up on him.  I was adamant that I could fix things, and in the end, we ended up resenting each other and hurt each other terribly. 

This is why I was so excited and grateful that he was back in my life.  I loved him still and I was ready to move at whatever pace he wanted to because I felt blessed just to have another chance to make things work.  But now, for whatever reason, he refuses to even talk to me.  He hasn't returned my text messages or phone calls, and I have no idea what I've done wrong.  We were talking everyday, and now...nothing.  Once again, my heart is breaking.  It's breaking because I am being forced to accept that we are obviously not meant to be together.  If being together was something he really wanted, he would make damn sure that I knew it.  He would do anything to prove that he thought I was worth it.  But by him ignoring me and just tossing me aside with such ease, I am realizing that this isn't what he wants.  I just wish he had the decency to give me the courtesy of an explanation.  I deserve at least that much. 

I wish the outcome would have been different or that he would at least respect me enough to talk to me and tell me what he's thinking and wanting, but I know that I'm hoping for that in vain.  So, now I'm having to let go of him all over again and it makes me so sad.  But I know that it has to be done.  I will heal and move on again.  I have made so much personal progress in the past few months and I will concentrate on that to keep me busy and I will continue to work to reach my goal of moving and starting a new life for myself.  I wanted so much for him to be a part of that plan, but I don't think that's going to happen. So for tonight, I will get drunk on my tears and try to fall asleep, and hopefully wake up ready to move on.

CB, if you're reading this, I hope you know that I don't regret anything.  Getting to have you back in my life, no matter how short lived it was, was amazing.  I'm so grateful that we had the opportunity to spend time together, laugh together, look at the stars together, ride the bike together, and talk about all sorts of things. Falling asleep with you and waking up with you were always some of my favorite things to do and I'm so happy that I got to do them a few more times.  I know that you've been hurt in the past, but I want you to know that I would've NEVER done any of those things to you. I would never have treated you the way your exes did.  I would've loved you and your son forever.  I don't know what I did to push you away, but whatever I did, or didn't do, you have to know that I didn't do it intentionally.  If I pushed too hard, just know I did it because I love you and I really wanted this to work.  I just got excited and maybe a little carried away, but I never meant to hurt you or push you away.  I will miss you terribly, but I hope that one day if we run into each other, we can say "hello" and be civil.  I want nothing but the best for you, even if that doesn't include me.  I hope you will be happy and successful in your new job, or wherever life may take you. 

I sincerely hope that when you think of me, they will be good thoughts.  When I hear one of the thousands of songs that remind me of you, or when I see a car that I know you would love, or when I think of New Orleans or some other private joke we have, or when one of the millions of memories that we've made together enters my mind and I am reminded of you, know that I will smile. Yee Yee!


Sunday, April 17, 2016

A Good Day!

I spent yesterday with my family, and it was a good day!  I love getting the opportunity to spend time with my niece and nephew.  Spending time with them always brightens my day, no matter what else is going on in my life.  Seeing those kids laugh, smile, and just be innocent children is what makes life worth living.

I don't have any children of my own.  I suffered with Endometriosis for 10 years and ultimately chose to have a hysterectomy at the age of 35.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but the pain became unbearable and it affected all areas of my life.  I lost jobs, dropped out of school, and suffered with depression as a result.  After a lot of prayer, and with the support of my family, friends, and church family, I was able to be at peace with my decision.  Having a family of my own was always so important to me, but eventually my health and well being became more important.

I look back now and I wish I would never have been faced with having to make that decision, but I know it was all a part of God's plan.  Realizing that I would never experience the joy of being pregnant, or having and raising children of my own was devastating.  At first, I was resentful, angry, and frustrated, but over the years I have made peace with it and have accepted that it was always a part of God's will.  My faith is strong and like every other situation in my life, my faith has seen me through.  It has given me the strength to accept things and move on.

My niece and nephew are my heart's joy.  There's nothing I love more than spending time with them. My nephew will be 6 years old next month and we have always been close.  Words cannot express how much I love & adore that kid!  I couldn't be more grateful for the closeness we share.  He will always have my heart!  My niece just turned 1 last month, and although she is young, I believe we share a special bond, as well.  She has the best disposition and is always happy!  Her smile melts my heart and I know that as she gets older, we will continue to be close.  Those children can make me smile like no one else can and they prove to me that whatever pain and sadness I might be going through, is only temporary.  I couldn't love anything or anyone more than I love those kiddos!

I love children, and I hope that when I meet someone and fall in love, that man has a child/children so that I can love them as much as I love my niece and nephew.  I have so much love to give a child, and even though I can't have any, I know that I am capable of loving my partner's child/children as much as I would if they were my very own.

Through everything I've endured with the Endometriosis and hysterectomy, I realize that God still has a plan for me.  And just because this plan does not include me getting pregnant and having children of my own, it does not mean that I am not able to love someone else's child the same way I would if I had given birth to them.

God always has a plan and he knows what he's doing.  I accept this, and believe in it wholeheartedly. My faith sustains me and gets me through the day.  Without it, I honestly don't know where I would be.  I realize how blessed I am to have my niece and nephew in my life, and I will continue to be grateful and love them as only their favorite aunt can!!!

Peace & Love

Friday, April 15, 2016

What a girl wants...

When it comes to relationships, what is it that we are looking for?  The most common answers are; trust, respect, and loyalty.  But what if we dig a little deeper for that answer?!?  Some women say they want the fairy tale kind of love, but let's be serious...does that kind of love REALLY exist??  I don't think so.  Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I've just never experienced it, but I'm still going to go out on a limb and say NO!

So, here's what I would love in a partner: (It's a long list, I know!  But I truly believe it's possible for ONE man to possess all of these qualities)

I want a man who has an AMAZING smile!  A smile that can make me grin from ear to ear just looking at it.  Ladies, you know what I mean...when your man is smiling and you can't help but smile too because it's just that freaking AMAZING!!!

I want a man with a GREAT sense of humor!  Someone who will not only laugh at my stupid jokes, and how goofy I can be (I should've been a blonde), but who can also laugh at himself.  We all do dumb things from time to time, and instead of being critical, just laugh it off!  Life should be filled with laughter.  I think this one is so important!!!

I want a man who makes me feel safe.  It's not about beating up every guy who looks at me, but stick up for me when you know I'm right, or when I'm being disrespected.  I am a strong woman who can stick up for myself, but sometimes I want my man to defend my honor and have my back.  Making me feel safe is important because YOU are my HOME.  Where you are is where I want to be, and we all want to feel safe at home.  Hold me when I'm sad, reassure me when I'm scared or worried, and console me when I feel that nothing is going right.  I will do the same for you.

I want a man who is honest.  I know we are sometimes tempted to tell a "little" lie to save face or when we are trying to avoid an argument, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, know that we, as women, will almost always find out the truth, and when we do, it's devastating.  And when someone lies to you, it is a sign of disrespect.  Any lie, no matter how big or small, is still a lie, and what's worse, is that it plants a seed of doubt in our minds that we can never get past.  I would rather you be completely honest with me, and hurt my feelings, than lie to me and break my heart!

I want a man who will support me.  Not financially!!!  Let me say that again...NOT financially!!! Support my dreams, my goals, and my ideas.  Some of my ideas will be goofy as hell, but support me anyway.  Your support and encouragement are what keeps me going.  It's what motivates me to be the best version of myself, which in turn makes me a better person for you and our relationship.

I want a man who listens to me.  Take a minute to ask me how my day was, because I want to know how yours was, too.  Listen to me when I have a problem, or when I'm worried about something.  It might have to do with our relationship, and it might not.  But if it does, be open-minded.  I will not criticize or judge you, but I will let you know when I'm feeling overwhelmed or if I feel that something is wrong.  Communication is so, so, so, important!!!  Just take the time to hear me out.

I want a man I can trust.  When you truly love someone, the issue of trusting them should never be an issue.  It should come as naturally as your love does.  After all, when you're truly in love, the idea of being with someone else, or talking to someone else should be non-existent.  When I am in love with you, you should know that you're the only one for me.  I will not cheat, or lie.  I will move heaven and earth to make the relationship work, and I will never give you a reason to doubt me.  If you are even thinking about cheating, then respect me enough to tell me it's over, and let me move on.  Don't waste my time.

I want a man who will respect me.  When I'm in love with you; I'm YOURS.  I am entrusting my heart, my body, my mind, and my soul to you.  Please don't ever take me for granted.  Respect me and everything about me.  Know that I will always do my best for you and I will NEVER disrespect you.  Treat me like I am the most precious thing in your life.  You shouldn't ever want any harm to come my way and you should never want to hurt me.

I want a man who loves me unconditionally.  Love me regardless of my faults.  Love me when I look good.  Love me when I'm wearing pajamas, hair up in a ponytail, with no make-up on.  Love me when I feel unlovable.  Love me even though I'm a little insecure.  Love me even though I'm not at my ideal weight.  Love me even though I'm not perfect.  Love me because YOU think I'm perfect for YOU.  Love me when my favorite college football team loses a game and you know I'm upset. Love me when I fail, and not only when I am successful.  Love me when I am brave, and not only when I'm afraid.  Love me because I love you.

I want a man who is romantic.  No, I don't need flowers all the time.  But romance to me is doing something unexpected for the one you love.  Surprising them with concert tickets, or a trip to Fiesta Texas.  Surprising them with a special dinner and their favorite bottle of wine.  Surprising them with a spur of the moment weekend getaway.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive, just thoughtful.  Expensive gifts don't matter much to me. What matters to me is the thought that's put into it.

I want a man that can't wait to talk to me.  He texts and calls because he wants to know how and what I'm doing.  He'll call just to say hi, and he knows how much I love those Good Morning text messages, because it means he's thinking about me when he wakes up.  I want to be the first person he calls when something good OR bad happens.  I want to be the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep and the first person he talks to when he gets his day started.  I know this is not always realistic, but you get the idea.

I want a man who knows that it's the little things that count.  Know that I am NOT a high maintenance girl; I'm most comfortable in T-shirts, cut-off shorts, and flip-flops.  Know that when you send me a text just to say that you love me, it will make my entire day.  Know that a forehead kiss is probably the most romantic thing you can do and I love that.  Know that I love it when you open my car door and ask the waitress to please bring me an unsweetened tea, with extra lemon, to go. Know that I love it when you play with my hair, and hold my hand.  Know that I absolutely love it when you tell me I'm beautiful.  Know what kind of trash bags I like to use, and how much I love that you stop to kiss me when you pass by me. Know that  I am happiest when you bring me a cup of coffee in the morning!  Know that as a Southern man, you MUST open the door for me!!!  Just know ME, and what makes me happy. I'm pretty easy to please!

There's so much more I could write!  Not necessarily about the things I want, but about little things that mean so much to me.  But if you're the man that is in love with me, you will be able to figure those things out in time!

With all that said, just know that if you are the man I am in love with, all of these things on my list will definitely be reciprocated.  I will love you unconditionally.  I will respect you and be honest with you.  I will always do my best to make you feel safe and be that person that you can always depend on.  I will always support you and be your biggest cheerleader.  I will surprise you with things I know you love and I will try my hardest to make you laugh and keep you smiling that smile that I love so much.  I promise to be thoughtful, caring, loyal, and most importantly, I promise to always be your friend and not forget about what makes YOU happy.  I will take care of you and always love you because I will be YOUR home.

Peace & Love,

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Too Much, Too Soon

Ever feel like you've said too much?  At the time, you thought you were doing the right thing because you were being completely honest and felt it was important for the other person to know exactly how you felt. But then the inevitable happens...the other person gets distant, doesn't call or text, and you're left feeling like the biggest dumb ass ever.  You were so caught up in the moment and only wanted to express your true feelings because you thought the other person would be receptive, or at least have something to say.

So now, I feel like a fool.  I totally understand that they might not have been ready to discuss certain things, but I still feel stupid.  I don't know how to move on from this because it's already out there.  I feel like the damage has been done.  What do I do now??  I have already apologized but I can't shake the feeling that I might have made a huge mistake.  My intentions were never to make them feel uncomfortable or pressured, I only wanted to be honest and upfront.  I think it was too much, too soon, and I'm worried that my actions might have pushed them away.

Should I feel bad?  I want to be able to say exactly what's on my mind.  I need to be able to express my thoughts and feelings without remorse or feeling like a fool.  I'm not sure where to go from here because there has been no contact.  I normally take the initiative and make the first move, but I'm trying to give them some space to think about what I said and decide if they want to move forward or not.  The fact that we haven't spoken or had any contact terrifies me that something bad is coming.  If something bad is coming, then I am as prepared as I'll ever be for the bad news.  I hope it doesn't come to that, but either way, I will be okay.

I guess I need to be more careful and not put myself out there so much.  I'm still afraid of getting hurt but I'm more afraid of not taking chances.  I don't want to miss out on something that might bring me happiness, and so I sometimes speak without thinking.  I might want to rethink that next time!  I can only pray that I haven't caused any permanent damage.

Peace & Love,

Friday, April 8, 2016

Forgive and Move Forward

While choosing to forgive someone may not always be easy, trying to forget the situation or wrong doing done to you is almost impossible.  Forgiving someone for the hurt they have caused you is not always a quick process.  For some, it could take years.  For others, not quite as long. But choosing to forgive someone is good for the soul.  It gives you a sense of peace and allows you to move on and let go of the damage that was done.  Trying to forgive yourself, is another story altogether.  That, my friends, is never an easy feat.

Over the past few weeks, I have been in contact with someone from my past.  Someone who is very special to me.  We have history, and at one point, we were in love and pretty serious.  But things slowly began to fall apart.  We hurt each other deeply and eventually ended the relationship.  Now, he has come back into my life and we are trying to start over.  Trying to mend our friendship, first and foremost, but also hoping to give our relationship a second chance.  We both know where we went wrong, and the mistakes we made, but there are still feelings there and we are curious to see if we can make this relationship work.  Being able to forgive each other for the mistakes we made is not the problem, but forgetting is an entirely different story.  I really don't believe that it's humanly possible to forget something that caused your heart to break, but I do believe that you can choose to let it go and move past it.  We can choose to let go of the pain, anger, and sorrow that it caused us but the memory of it will always be present.  I don't ever want to use that against him or throw it in his face, but it is important to me that the only power I allow it to have is to only be a memory and not a life sentence.

If we are successful the second time around, I know that I will cherish him, and us, forever because of  everything we went through to get to this point.  Realizing our mistakes and where we went wrong, learning from those mistakes, being apart, missing each other enough to want to try again, and truly recognizing each others worth while we were apart says so much to me about how strong our relationship is, and can be. We both believe that we needed to break up and take this time apart to fully realize how much we want to be together.  We needed that time to realize the importance of what we had and how much we mean to each other.  I think it was the smartest thing we could have done.  I hate that we hurt each other so much, but that pain has made me a different person and I am grateful for that.  It has made me realize the person I want to be and I would never have made that realization had it not been for our relationship falling apart.

I am certain that I am able to let go of the past and concentrate only on our future, if we have one.  I know that being with him is what I want and that I will fight for us everyday.  I will take care of him and put no one before him. He will be my family and all of the bad will remain in the past.  I will love him, trust him, and respect him enough to forgive him and move on.  After all, isn't that what true love is all about? Forgiveness and moving forward?? 

Only time will tell, but I am confident that I am a strong enough person to put all the bad behind me and love him again.  He means enough to me that, if we decide to put forth the time and effort that this reconciliation deserves, I will make sure that I will never deliberately hurt him again, and I pray he can promise me the same thing.  Our love deserves a second chance.  WE deserve a second chance.  

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, forgiveness is key.  It is so important.  And although we may not be able to fully forget, you must be willing to let it go if you want to move forward.  

I am choosing to let it go.  I choose us.

Peace & Love

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Just Do It

The purpose of this blog is to allow me to say things, and there is a lot I want to talk about.  I have always found that for me, writing is therapeutic.  It allows me to pour out my heart on paper and it knows every pain, tear, smile, and fear I may have.  Writing has always been my escape.  But in starting this blog, I have only written about certain things.  I have purposely limited myself.  I am struggling with the decision to really open up and write about personal experiences because I know that certain people may be offended or get their feelings hurt.  The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but I want to write about my experiences, and certain life situations that have haunted me for years.  I need to write about them.

So, what do I do?  Do I allow certain people to silence me?  Or should I just use this new found voice that I have?  The demons that have always haunted me tell me to be silent.  But I want to silence those demons.  I still struggle with what people will think of me, but I am trying to overcome that.   44 years of allowing this behavior will not change overnight!

I recently had some people mock my decision to be "selfish."  I know they obviously don't understand what I mean by that, but to mock me, only makes me stronger.  You won't discourage me. You can't knock me down.  Your negativity only makes me want it more.  And I will succeed.

With that being said, I will continue to write.  And I know that eventually I will win this struggle.  Again, my intentions are not at all to hurt any one's feelings, and I will never "air my dirty laundry,"  I only want to share my experiences with others, in hopes that I can help someone.  Everyone has gone through what I have been through at some point in their lives, so if only one person reads my blog and walks away with a sense of peace, then it all will be worth it.

I pray daily for understanding, patience, strength, and the will to succeed.  I see things clearer than I have ever seen them before.  I have a goal, I have plans, and I have faith.  I will defeat this struggle. Thank you, "Moufasa," for encouraging me to JUST DO IT!!!

Peace & Love

Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Daily Struggle

As Easter is approaching, I am reminded of the great sacrifice God made for us.  Even though I pray daily and always thank God for the blessings in my life, I've been thinking about the struggles I have faced lately, and I am reminded once again how strong my faith is. Prayer is my daily conversation with God and it allows me to thank him for my strength of faith and even for the struggles because they have made me the person I am today.

Lately I feel like I am struggling daily.  Struggling to stand my ground, struggling to save money, struggling with relationships, and sometimes struggling just to keep my mouth shut!  There are situations in my life that need repair and I am focusing on making those repairs to get to the next phase of my life.  The phase that is my own.

 I am avoiding all things toxic and negative, and this includes people.  I don't have time for people that feed off of drama like leeches. People that thrive on manipulating others and lie, cheat, and steal for their own personal gain.  I have absolutely no tolerance or respect for people like that.  I believe that there comes a certain point in life when you have to take responsibility for your actions, and own up to your mistakes.  Maybe that is a little harsh, but that's how I feel, and I won't apologize for it.

I won't apologize for much these days.  I won't apologize for wanting to be a better version of myself. I won't apologize for my thoughts and my beliefs.  I won't apologize for wanting more.  I won't apologize for wanting something of my very own.  I won't apologize for standing up for myself, and I definitely won't apologize for the person I know I am capable of becoming.  I am still basically the same person, I just won't put up with bullshit or people who try to knock me down ever again.  I have been broken, but this has only made me stronger.

Like I said before, I am thankful for the struggles...they keep me strong, and grounded.  I know that God would never give me more than I can handle and that He is always by my side.  I look to Him for comfort and guidance on this path He has chosen for me.  I thank Him for the gift of family and friends, but most of all, I thank Him for opening my eyes and allowing me to see my worth and know what I want and truly deserve.

Know who you are and what YOU deserve! Happy Easter.

Peace & Love,

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

For "Bubba"

Sorry for the delay in my entries, but I've been a bit under the weather, and so has my laptop!  I'm hoping to get it back today.  If anyone is actually reading my blogs, then thank you for being patient!

As I've been sick and lying in bed for a couple of days, I've had lots of time to think...and that's not always a good thing!  But lately it seems that my thoughts are actually about my future, my blog, and me, so that's a good thing!  Pressing forward with positive intentions!!

I've been thinking about my friendships a lot, as well.  We all have friendships that have lasted through the years, and some that have lasted most of our lives.  I have many friends, but only a close few.  I have friends that I've kept in touch with since high school, and let's face it, most of that interaction is done mostly on Facebook.  But I'm so grateful to still be a part of their lives, even if it is only on social media.  I love seeing pictures of their children, and their families, and I gladly accept the invitation to be a part of their lives through pictures and  posts.

Some of my best friends are actually family. My cousins have known me forever, literally, and they probably know me better than anyone!  I love the friendships we have developed and those are the people that I know I can always depend on to be there when others can't, or won't.  Those are definitely some of the most important friendships I have, and will ever have.  I am so blessed to have these people in my life, and I am so appreciative for their constant love and support.

Then I have other friends, and I'm sure you do too, that I don't speak to very often. But when we do talk, we are able to pick up right where we left off.  I love that!  These people are amazing because even if you don't talk every single day, you know that you are always there for each other, and that's so special.

But there's always that one friend.  The one person that has always been there for you.  The person who never judges you and always listens to your bullshit regardless of how many times they've heard it.  They are always supportive because they know how broken you feel, or they know how truly excited you are about something.  They see to the very core of you and love you unconditionally. They are always there to lift you up, share in your joy, wipe your tears, encourage you, be your biggest cheerleader, and tell you exactly how it is, even though you might not want to hear it.  Those friends are THE best.  They force you to look in the mirror and see your true self.  Not the person you think you are, or the person others think you are.  They see the real you and they force you to see that person and embrace who you are and love yourself.  Sometimes we need this.  Especially when we are in situations that knock us down, and we fail to see our true worth or what we're capable of doing in our lives.  Our best friends always see this and give us that little push we need to get back up and try again. Often times they are our saviors, our conscience, and our strength.

I don't know where or who I would be without my best friend, and I adore her!  She is the one constant in my life, and often times, my lifeline, and I know our friendship will last forever.  Today I celebrate her and our friendship.  I want her to know how much I appreciate her and all she has done, and continues to do for me.  I love her more than she will ever know! Thank you, Bubba!  I love you more....

Peace & Love

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Love yourself first!

So many people have self-destructive behaviors. It can be anything from drugs, to alcohol, even sex. Lying, or the inability to be completely honest can also be thrown in this category. For me, my self-destructive behavior has always been settling in a relationship when I knew that I deserved more. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I always figured that it was better to be with someone even if I was unhappy, than to be alone. I didn't want to be alone because having a boyfriend was fun....sometimes! You always have someone to go to Walmart with, go out with, and you don't have to go to family functions alone anymore and have everyone asking, "Mija, why are you still single?" Or saying "you're better off without that asshole!"

Well, while the latter was usually true, I still didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to grow old alone. I could never be that lonely old cat lady because I don't like cats, but growing old alone just seems so unbelievably sad! I don't want that! I guess it works for some, but I always saw myself growing old with someone. Preferably the love of my life and not some damn cats.

What I have realized lately is that I settled because I didn't realize my true worth. I'm still not anywhere near the person I want to be, but I'm working on it! And this time, I won't give up. I'm a good person with a huge heart and lots of love to give. I'm honest and loyal and I love doing things for others. My biggest flaw has been that I don't love myself. I was never happy with myself and this is what I'm working on. I don't believe you can truly love someone and make a relationship work until you love yourself. Yes, you can be in love with someone, but eventually your inability to be happy with yourself will begin to destroy the relationship.

I know God has a plan for me. I know that I am finally on the path that He has chosen for me and my Faith will guide me on the rest of my journey. I won't give up and I won't allow my old self-destructive behaviors to get in the way again. From here on out, it's about me and my happiness and my goals. I will love again when I love myself.

Peace & Love,

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Accepting responsibility...Own it!

I was talking to my aunt today, and telling her about my A-HA moment and all about my new plans for my future.  She was so receptive and supportive and it just made me so happy that I am able to share this new journey with those that I love most. And it got me thinking...

One thing you have to understand about me is that, I've always been the type of person that needed approval from others.  For the majority of my life, I have taken the path that others thought I should take.  I chose a career path that others thought I should choose because of job security, financial stability, and other reasons.  I have always been worried about someone else's feelings and whether or not they approved of my life choices.  But with this new clarity, I realize that I can no longer live this way.  Who is thinking of my feelings and my happiness? No one.  Don't get me wrong, my family and friends have been supportive, but let's face it, how can they possibly know what I truly want, if I don't know myself?

I told my aunt today that I am allowing myself to be a bit selfish.  I have decided that this is MY time to shine, and if I have to be a bit selfish in order to accomplish that, then that's exactly what I'm going to do.  It feels so amazing to finally have that self discovery!  I feel happier than I have in years and all it took was for me to decide that MY happiness is what's important.  I know that because of my past, some people will say, "Here we go again", or "What is it you think you want to do now", but you know what...I really don't care because this is MY journey.  It's my life.  People will react negatively because my path is different from theirs.  I didn't know what I was supposed to be.  I didn't know what my career choice should be or what I wanted to do with my life. But just because my path is different, doesn't make it wrong.  It just took me a little while longer to realize what I wanted.
I've had countless jobs that I blew off, quit, or got fired from because I didn't love what I was doing and couldn't stand doing it. I've had people tell me what they think I should be doing.  I've had people that were always there to bail me out of my failures and clean up my messes.  And I've never, until now, been able to say that all of those mistakes were MINE.  I own every single failure because it was me who failed.  I can openly accept responsibility for every action whether negative or positive because it was always me making those choices.  But now I am living for myself and if people can't understand or relate, then I am truly sorry because you're going to miss out on my journey.  I will no longer allow negativity or toxicity to be a part of my new life.  I want to continue to be a good person, but on my terms.  This clarity doesn't make me a just makes me strong, accountable, and responsible.

I have only shared this new me with a handful of people, and so far the reaction has been positive. One of my happiest moments so far on this journey, has been telling an ex-boyfriend about my new career path an what it is that I want to accomplish, and hearing him say that my choice is "the perfect fit for me." We are just starting to talk since the break up and we have been able to genuinely apologize for the mistakes we both made and accept responsibility for our actions. He was my best friend, and I couldn't imagine starting this journey and not being able to share it with him .  I'm happy that I did, and I know he will always support and encourage me, and this is why he was one of the first people I wanted to tell.  Mending that friendship is part of my healing process.  It's important to me because he is the only man that I have ever truly loved and I couldn't accept letting it end the way it did. Taking responsibility and being able to say, "Hey, I know I fucked up, too," has been the most liberating part so far.  No one ever wants to admit they were wrong or at fault for something, because it's so difficult, but once you do it....Oh man!  It feels amazing!

Having said all that, I would never change my past.  I don't have any regrets...none.  Every choice, every failure, every break up and heartache, every bad decision, and all the tears that I've cried, have made me the person I am today.  These things have molded me into the strong woman I am choosing to become. 

Until next time....

Peace & Love

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Why does love scare us?

Love is something we all want. To find that emotional connection with someone is so important to most of us. So why does it scare the hell out of us? Is it the commitment? Is it the fear of being rejected? Some people say they want these things and when they finally find someone who is willing to be committed and loyal, they do everything in their power to screw it up. Is it the age old notion of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence", or are people so used to not getting what they want, that they intentionally sabotage their every shot at true happiness?

Love is supposed to make us happy. It's not supposed to make us sad. But sometimes, true love does both. I believe that no relationship is perfect, and couples will always face difficult times. But it's how they choose to deal with the problems that speaks volumes about a relationship. If you throw your hands up and want to walk away every time there's a problem, that's not true love. True love is worth fighting for because it's so rare these days. To fight for something you believe in wholeheartedly, is a treasured quality that so few possess.

When, and if, you're lucky enough to find someone that loves you unconditionally, hold on for dear life because it may not ever happen again. These days, divorce is an easy option. The idea of breaking up is always kept close at hand...just in case.  For me, once you've found true love, breaking up should be deleted from your vocabulary. Fight for happiness and love like your life depends on it. Your partner might not know how to do this. So tell them how much you love them.  Tell them how empty your life would be without them. Make damn sure they know how important they are to you and that you will fight for this love because it's the most important thing in your life.

 If God chooses to bless you with the gift of true love, don't shame Him by throwing it away at the first sign of a problem. Don't be afraid of love. Embrace and accept this amazing gift!!

Sunday, March 13, 2016


Hello and welcome to my blog!!

I have to be honest with you, I barely knew what a blog was before tonight, but I had an A-HA moment earlier that is literally going to change my life! I will explain this later!

First of all, let me introduce name is Kristina and I am 44 years old. I consider myself to be a late bloomer. Not just in life, but in love, as well. My experiences in life & love are what inspired me to start this blog, and I am excited to share them with you!

All my life I have struggled with what I wanted to be when I "grew up". I never had a "calling" so to speak. I thought it was nursing because I love caring for people so much, but tonight I realized that my true passion is writing. I love to write!! Stories, letters, journal entries, anything! When we were assigned a paper in school and all of my friends were moaning and groaning, I couldn't wait! My mind would come alive with ideas and I couldn't wait to get started!

I have plans to go back to school this summer, now that I realize what I want to do. But for now I will write this blog. I will talk about life & love (obviously)! But I will also write about everything else in between. My dog, Coco, my family, my friends, and my failures in life & love. I am not a life coach, or a counselor, but I know that writing about my experiences helps me to heal and if it helps you, then it makes this even more rewarding!

I hope you enjoy reading my blog as much as I know I will enjoy writing it. ❤

Peace & Love,