Saturday, December 31, 2016

Happy New Year!!!

As we head into the final hour of 2016, I am at home, in my favorite t-shirt all snuggled up in my bed!  I've never been crazy about being out and about on NYE, so I am completely content!

I have been thinking about the past year, and I must tell you, it has been one helluva crazy year!  Ups and downs, successes and failures, you know what I'm talking about.  As much as I have struggled this past year, and despite all the difficulty I have faced, I wouldn't change a single thing.  This past year has taught me some very important lessons.

I have learned that God always provides if you have Faith.

I have learned that in difficult times, you find out who your real friends are.

I have learned that the only person's opinion that matters regarding my life, is MINE.

I have learned that you should NEVER give up on something that is important to you.

I have learned that forgiveness is key if you want to move on.

I have learned that true love does exist.

I have learned that people can change for the better.

I have learned that letting go of all things negative is healthy.

I have learned that I love myself more than I ever thought possible.

I have learned that sometimes you have to be alone in order to appreciate those you love.

I have learned that what I want is what's important.

I have learned that it's just as important to try as it is to succeed.

I have learned that going back to church is exactly what I needed at this point in my life.

I have learned that making sacrifices makes you a stronger person.

I have learned to be appreciative for second chances.

I have learned that second chances require extra effort.

But above all, this past year has taught me to be appreciative for all I have because it could always be worse.  Take the good with the bad because those tough situations are lessons and God places those tough situations in your life for a reason.  Be patient and wait for God's promise, because it IS coming!

As always, tell your loved ones that you love them and be grateful for your blessings!  Be kind, and patient, and believe in yourself!  Happy New Year!!!

Peace & Love

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Current Mood...

I've been wonderin', why'd you leave me here
And call me cryin', never-ending tears
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

I've been thinkin', you drive me crazy
And you never kiss me unless you're wasted
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

Am I supposed to let you in?
You tear my walls down; I build 'em again
Now my heart is broken. You're gone, and I'm numb
And I can't believe I called this love

I've been hopin' you would try to explain
But never knowin', I guess that's kind of the same
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

I've been tryin' to find out what we had
You had me blinded, and I feel dumb for that
Am I supposed to just let it all go?

Am I supposed to let you in?
You tear my walls down.  I build 'em again
Now my heart is broken.  You're gone, and I'm numb
And I can't believe I called this love

Am I supposed to let you in?
You tear my walls down.  I build 'em again
Now my heart is broken.  You're gone, and I'm numb
And I can't believe I....
I can't believe I...
I can't believe I ever called this love

I Can't Believe I Called This Love
        by  The Reed Brothers

Monday, November 14, 2016

Anything but normal...

I haven't felt like myself lately, which is why I haven't written in awhile.  I've been doing a lot of writing, but only for myself.  I've been writing things that are far too personal to share, and I have to admit that I had hoped it would help me to feel better about things, but I seem to only get lost in my words.  Usually my writing helps me to see things more clearly, and helps me to understand the jumbled thoughts that have clouded my judgment.  But lately I have been fighting a personal struggle and I have been unable to evade my confusion.

Earlier this summer, I took a leap of faith and moved to a new city to start a new life for myself.  I accepted a job that I was excited about, and packed up my car and my dog, Coco, and  we set out on a new adventure.  After only a few weeks at this new job, my employer began cheating me out of pay. He deliberately cheated me out of hours worked, and adjusted my time sheets and only paid me what he wanted to.  For fear of getting fired, I let it slide the first two times he did this, but when it happened a third time, I knew I had to stand up for myself and say something.  When I did, my worst fear came through.  He not only fired me, but evicted me from the home I was sharing with my cousin because he was the owner.  He gave me three days to be out of the house.  I refused to give up and go back home because I was adamant that I could still make this work.

Everyday is a struggle because I know that I am capable of more than this.  I know that I should be doing more than this.  I know that I should have a job where I feel challenged, and useful.  Where I can use my experience and training, and not just pray for good tips.  Don't get me wrong, I love waiting tables.  I love the interaction with people and getting to meet and talk to people I might not have the chance to talk to outside of work.  But at my age and with my background, I should be doing something more.  The job market here is unstable and there's not many opportunities.  So, I do what I need to do, but I'm not satisfied with that.  I want more.

I have seriously thought about selling everything I own and just traveling.  I would give anything to be able to combine the two things I love the most; traveling and writing, and make a living.  But I worry that that's an unattainable goal.  That maybe it's not realistic.  Some would say that I need to do whatever it takes to "pay the bills" and live a normal life, but what if I'm meant to do more than that? What if I'm meant to live outside the box?  Let's face it, my life has been anything but normal.  I didn't meet the love of my life in college, then graduate and get married to move on and have 2.5 kids, live in the suburbs and drive a minivan.  And honestly, I can't imagine that I would've been happy with that life.  I'm not saying it's not a good's just not for me.  I'm not saying that I should've been famous or anything like that, I just always saw my life so differently.

And now, here I am, single and unhappy.  So, what do I do to change all that?  Where do I start? These are the questions that haunt me daily.  I feel like I'm drowning because I absolutely HATE what my life has become.  I have no desire to wake up day after day to do the same damn thing over and over for the rest of my life.  I don't want to go to the same job everyday, with the same people, making shitty money just to pay rent and bills.  For me, that's just not enough.  I want to LIVE and LOVE my life. Someone told me the other day that it was nearly impossible to find a job that you love.  I'm sorry, but I don't believe that.  I refuse to believe that.  It may not be within my grasp right now, but I know it's out there.  There has to be more to life than repetition.  There has to be more to life than working for people like the man who screwed me out of pay that I earned.

I want so badly to make a plan for 2017 that will allow me to spread my wings and find myself. To figure out who I really am and not who people think I should be.  Because who I've tried to be for the past 45 years just isn't working for me anymore.

Peace & Love,


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Tough decisions

You hold on and continue to fight, not because you are desperate or pathetic, but because you believe with your heart and soul that it's worth it. But there comes a time when you have to let go because you're the only one fighting. Just because you realize that it's time to stop fighting, doesn't mean you want to. It just means that you realize there's nothing more that you can do.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

What once was, will not always be

I can't sleep.  It's 2:44 am and my eyes are so heavy, but every time I close them, my mind starts racing, and I can't relax.

I recently moved into my own apartment, and as I was unpacking boxes earlier tonight, I came across some pictures of my ex and I from back in 2009 when we first met in New Mexico. I was completely shocked because I hadn't seen these pictures in years.  For about 30 seconds, those pictures brought back good memories.  It was funny to see how young we looked!  I remember when those pictures were taken, we were extremely drunk and we were being so silly.  It was our first date, if I remember correctly and we had so much fun that night.  When you're on your first date with someone, you never think of all the pain and heartache that lies ahead.  You are focused on the moment, and you wonder if you and that person have any sort of future together.  I remember hoping that he liked me as much as I liked him.  I was so nervous wondering if he thought I was funny, or pretty, or if he wanted to see me again.  But then, all of a sudden, it was like we had known each other for years.  We were laughing like old friends, and sharing stories about family and friends.  I couldn't get enough of him!  He was like a drug that I was suddenly addicted to.  I wanted to see his smile all the time.  I wanted his voice to be the first thing I heard in the morning, and the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep.  I couldn't tell him this, of course, because we both knew it was just a summer fling, and it more than likely would nor could ever develop into anything else.  I just enjoyed him while I had him.  Those couple of weeks were great, but then it ended just as quickly as it had started.  He went back to Dallas, and I headed back to Corpus Christi.

We stayed in touch for awhile, but it just faded out. We even met up in San Marcos once, but it was so different.  It felt so forced.  Not at all like it did in Artesia.  I think we both gave up after that. There was the occasional "Hey! What's up?  Hope you're doing well", Facebook message, but not even those lasted.  Until.....I randomly sent him one of those familiar Facebook messages last year, and the rest you know.

So, now we're here, which is nowhere.  I've moved on and this move has been so good for me. I'm loving everything about my life, until I'm reminded of him and our failed relationship.  I know that every single day there's a good possibility that I will be reminded.  It could be a song, or a place we went together, or a motorcycle, or an article that I read that I can't wait to tell him about until I realize that I can't.  Or a picture.  It's like that 80's song, "There's always something there to remind me"'s so damn true!  There's ALWAYS something.  When will it stop?  Will it ever stop?  Will I ever stop getting sad and nostalgic when I'm reminded of him???  Yes, there were lots of great memories, but there were bad ones, too.  Those are the ones I try to think of when I'm slapped in the face with another reminder.  I don't want to think of him fondly, because he doesn't really deserve that.  I want to think of him and think, "yeah, we dated. and then we broke-up", end of story.  Every time I think I'm getting closer to feeling that way, there's another damn reminder shaking me and saying, "hahahaha! not so fast!"  But I have to admit that it is getting somewhat easier.  There are still certain  reminders that I can't bounce back from as quickly as others, like the pictures.  I hate to see how happy we once were, because it pisses me off that we could've been like that ALWAYS if he wouldn't have just given up so easily.

I know they say that time heals all wounds, and I do believe that, but come on!  Enough is enough already!!!  Everyday is a new day, and eventually he will become just a memory.  A memory that won't haunt me, just a memory of someone I was once in love with.

I pray that God brings a man into my life that will be grateful for how passionate I am.  A man that will love me for who I am, and not ever want me to change.  A man that is honest, and loving, and respectful.  A man that would NEVER do anything to hurt me.  A man that appreciates the fact that I will always fight for what I want, and for what I believe in, and loves the fact that I will never give up on him.  A man who adores me for how goofy and silly I can be, and thinks it's awesome that I'm kind of clumsy and have so many "blonde" moments.  A man who will love it when I sing my favorite song like I'm in concert!  A man who can and will communicate openly.  And most importantly, a man who loves God as much as I do.  I have faith that God is bringing me this man because He knows that I'm worthy of that Amazing kind of love!

In the meantime, I will continue to love my new life, be happy and be grateful for all that the Lord has blessed me with. And I will be patient with the "letting go" phase.  I will not allow the ghosts of my past to keep me from moving forward towards my future.

Memories are good.  But I have to remember that what once was, will not always be.  Falling out of love, true love, is never an easy thing.  But letting those reminders be JUST  reminders is the first step to letting go.

Peace & Love

Sunday, July 24, 2016

That Laid Back Vibe!!!

So, I've been in New Braunfels for about a month now, and I have to tell you, I'm loving it!!!  I'm really enjoying my new job and I love being so close to the river!

With my job, I get to meet so many people.  People from all different walks of life.  People from all over the country.  People who come out here every year to camp and float the river, and people who are here for their first time.  They say Disneyland is the "happiest place on earth", but they're wrong...River Road is!!!

I haven't really done any exploring yet, but I am getting to know my way around and have even discovered some back roads that save time and bypass traffic.  I'm so close to Gruene, and for those of you from Texas, you know that it's beautiful there.  With so many shops, and The Gristmill restaurant, and Gruene Hall, it has quickly become one of my favorite spots.

If you know me at all, then you know that two of my favorite things to do are, float the river, and see/listen to live music.  I'd have to say that I'm in the perfect place for that!!!  It's so beautiful here and there is so much to do and see that I know I'll never be bored.

This experience so far has been positive.  There is no drama, no stress, and I literally feel like a different person being here.  The vibe here is laid back, and relaxed and I couldn't feel more like myself!

The main reason I haven't written very much is because I have no phone signal out here and the WiFi is super sketchy!  Ahhhhh! The ONE drawback of living out here!  Then again, my phone being silent the majority of the time is not that bad!

I hope you all had a great weekend and I hope this next week flies by for ya!

Peace & Love

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

New Beginnings, New Me

I know it has been so long since I last wrote, but there have been so many changes in my life.  I wanted, and needed, to make some major changes, and when I was feeling low, opportunity came knocking at my door!

I was feeling so down and broken.  I was so stressed out with my living situation and my job and all I could think about was making a change.  I needed to make something happen.  But, when nothing was going my way, I began to feel frustrated, but I refused to give up hope.  My faith carried me through, and after a lot of praying and asking God for direction, a new job opportunity which would require me to move to an area that I was trying to move to anyway, literally fell in my lap.  I went for the interview, and was offered the job on the spot!  Again, accepting the job would mean moving and leaving my family, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.  It was bittersweet.  But I knew that I would only be 3 hours from home and that I would still be able to visit without it being such a long trip.  So...I accepted the job, and I moved a little over a week ago!  I started my new job, and I am staying with my cousin for a month, or two, until I get on my feet.  I'm giving myself two months to save up some money and then I will look for my own place.  I am so excited about that!!!

I'm a happier person just being here.  Everything is so laid back, and everyone is always so pleasant that I feel right at home.  I feel like a weight has been lifted and like I'm really enjoying my life for the first time in a very long time.  I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and I am working a job that I don't have much experience in, but I have caught on quickly and I am truly loving what I do for a living.  It's amazing what can happen when you give it to God and release the control you think you have over your life!!!  I literally feel like a different person.  God is Good!

I do miss my family, but I am looking forward to seeing them in a few weeks.  Especially my niece and nephew!  I miss them terribly, but this was something that needed to be done, and I am so grateful that I possess the strength and courage to just step out on faith, and go!  I don't worry about what will happen because I know this is where I'm supposed to be.  This is just another stop on my journey!!!

I  appreciate all the love and concern, and asking for new blog entries!  That really means a lot to me! I will continue with the blog, hopefully more regularly, and write about all of the new things going on in my life.  Until then....

Peace & Love