Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Just Do It

The purpose of this blog is to allow me to say things, and there is a lot I want to talk about.  I have always found that for me, writing is therapeutic.  It allows me to pour out my heart on paper and it knows every pain, tear, smile, and fear I may have.  Writing has always been my escape.  But in starting this blog, I have only written about certain things.  I have purposely limited myself.  I am struggling with the decision to really open up and write about personal experiences because I know that certain people may be offended or get their feelings hurt.  The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, but I want to write about my experiences, and certain life situations that have haunted me for years.  I need to write about them.

So, what do I do?  Do I allow certain people to silence me?  Or should I just use this new found voice that I have?  The demons that have always haunted me tell me to be silent.  But I want to silence those demons.  I still struggle with what people will think of me, but I am trying to overcome that.   44 years of allowing this behavior will not change overnight!

I recently had some people mock my decision to be "selfish."  I know they obviously don't understand what I mean by that, but to mock me, only makes me stronger.  You won't discourage me. You can't knock me down.  Your negativity only makes me want it more.  And I will succeed.

With that being said, I will continue to write.  And I know that eventually I will win this struggle.  Again, my intentions are not at all to hurt any one's feelings, and I will never "air my dirty laundry,"  I only want to share my experiences with others, in hopes that I can help someone.  Everyone has gone through what I have been through at some point in their lives, so if only one person reads my blog and walks away with a sense of peace, then it all will be worth it.

I pray daily for understanding, patience, strength, and the will to succeed.  I see things clearer than I have ever seen them before.  I have a goal, I have plans, and I have faith.  I will defeat this struggle. Thank you, "Moufasa," for encouraging me to JUST DO IT!!!

Peace & Love

Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Daily Struggle

As Easter is approaching, I am reminded of the great sacrifice God made for us.  Even though I pray daily and always thank God for the blessings in my life, I've been thinking about the struggles I have faced lately, and I am reminded once again how strong my faith is. Prayer is my daily conversation with God and it allows me to thank him for my strength of faith and even for the struggles because they have made me the person I am today.

Lately I feel like I am struggling daily.  Struggling to stand my ground, struggling to save money, struggling with relationships, and sometimes struggling just to keep my mouth shut!  There are situations in my life that need repair and I am focusing on making those repairs to get to the next phase of my life.  The phase that is my own.

 I am avoiding all things toxic and negative, and this includes people.  I don't have time for people that feed off of drama like leeches. People that thrive on manipulating others and lie, cheat, and steal for their own personal gain.  I have absolutely no tolerance or respect for people like that.  I believe that there comes a certain point in life when you have to take responsibility for your actions, and own up to your mistakes.  Maybe that is a little harsh, but that's how I feel, and I won't apologize for it.

I won't apologize for much these days.  I won't apologize for wanting to be a better version of myself. I won't apologize for my thoughts and my beliefs.  I won't apologize for wanting more.  I won't apologize for wanting something of my very own.  I won't apologize for standing up for myself, and I definitely won't apologize for the person I know I am capable of becoming.  I am still basically the same person, I just won't put up with bullshit or people who try to knock me down ever again.  I have been broken, but this has only made me stronger.

Like I said before, I am thankful for the struggles...they keep me strong, and grounded.  I know that God would never give me more than I can handle and that He is always by my side.  I look to Him for comfort and guidance on this path He has chosen for me.  I thank Him for the gift of family and friends, but most of all, I thank Him for opening my eyes and allowing me to see my worth and know what I want and truly deserve.

Know who you are and what YOU deserve! Happy Easter.

Peace & Love,

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

For "Bubba"

Sorry for the delay in my entries, but I've been a bit under the weather, and so has my laptop!  I'm hoping to get it back today.  If anyone is actually reading my blogs, then thank you for being patient!

As I've been sick and lying in bed for a couple of days, I've had lots of time to think...and that's not always a good thing!  But lately it seems that my thoughts are actually about my future, my blog, and me, so that's a good thing!  Pressing forward with positive intentions!!

I've been thinking about my friendships a lot, as well.  We all have friendships that have lasted through the years, and some that have lasted most of our lives.  I have many friends, but only a close few.  I have friends that I've kept in touch with since high school, and let's face it, most of that interaction is done mostly on Facebook.  But I'm so grateful to still be a part of their lives, even if it is only on social media.  I love seeing pictures of their children, and their families, and I gladly accept the invitation to be a part of their lives through pictures and  posts.

Some of my best friends are actually family. My cousins have known me forever, literally, and they probably know me better than anyone!  I love the friendships we have developed and those are the people that I know I can always depend on to be there when others can't, or won't.  Those are definitely some of the most important friendships I have, and will ever have.  I am so blessed to have these people in my life, and I am so appreciative for their constant love and support.

Then I have other friends, and I'm sure you do too, that I don't speak to very often. But when we do talk, we are able to pick up right where we left off.  I love that!  These people are amazing because even if you don't talk every single day, you know that you are always there for each other, and that's so special.

But there's always that one friend.  The one person that has always been there for you.  The person who never judges you and always listens to your bullshit regardless of how many times they've heard it.  They are always supportive because they know how broken you feel, or they know how truly excited you are about something.  They see to the very core of you and love you unconditionally. They are always there to lift you up, share in your joy, wipe your tears, encourage you, be your biggest cheerleader, and tell you exactly how it is, even though you might not want to hear it.  Those friends are THE best.  They force you to look in the mirror and see your true self.  Not the person you think you are, or the person others think you are.  They see the real you and they force you to see that person and embrace who you are and love yourself.  Sometimes we need this.  Especially when we are in situations that knock us down, and we fail to see our true worth or what we're capable of doing in our lives.  Our best friends always see this and give us that little push we need to get back up and try again. Often times they are our saviors, our conscience, and our strength.

I don't know where or who I would be without my best friend, and I adore her!  She is the one constant in my life, and often times, my lifeline, and I know our friendship will last forever.  Today I celebrate her and our friendship.  I want her to know how much I appreciate her and all she has done, and continues to do for me.  I love her more than she will ever know! Thank you, Bubba!  I love you more....

Peace & Love

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Love yourself first!

So many people have self-destructive behaviors. It can be anything from drugs, to alcohol, even sex. Lying, or the inability to be completely honest can also be thrown in this category. For me, my self-destructive behavior has always been settling in a relationship when I knew that I deserved more. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I always figured that it was better to be with someone even if I was unhappy, than to be alone. I didn't want to be alone because having a boyfriend was fun....sometimes! You always have someone to go to Walmart with, go out with, and you don't have to go to family functions alone anymore and have everyone asking, "Mija, why are you still single?" Or saying "you're better off without that asshole!"

Well, while the latter was usually true, I still didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to grow old alone. I could never be that lonely old cat lady because I don't like cats, but growing old alone just seems so unbelievably sad! I don't want that! I guess it works for some, but I always saw myself growing old with someone. Preferably the love of my life and not some damn cats.

What I have realized lately is that I settled because I didn't realize my true worth. I'm still not anywhere near the person I want to be, but I'm working on it! And this time, I won't give up. I'm a good person with a huge heart and lots of love to give. I'm honest and loyal and I love doing things for others. My biggest flaw has been that I don't love myself. I was never happy with myself and this is what I'm working on. I don't believe you can truly love someone and make a relationship work until you love yourself. Yes, you can be in love with someone, but eventually your inability to be happy with yourself will begin to destroy the relationship.

I know God has a plan for me. I know that I am finally on the path that He has chosen for me and my Faith will guide me on the rest of my journey. I won't give up and I won't allow my old self-destructive behaviors to get in the way again. From here on out, it's about me and my happiness and my goals. I will love again when I love myself.

Peace & Love,

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Accepting responsibility...Own it!

I was talking to my aunt today, and telling her about my A-HA moment and all about my new plans for my future.  She was so receptive and supportive and it just made me so happy that I am able to share this new journey with those that I love most. And it got me thinking...

One thing you have to understand about me is that, I've always been the type of person that needed approval from others.  For the majority of my life, I have taken the path that others thought I should take.  I chose a career path that others thought I should choose because of job security, financial stability, and other reasons.  I have always been worried about someone else's feelings and whether or not they approved of my life choices.  But with this new clarity, I realize that I can no longer live this way.  Who is thinking of my feelings and my happiness? No one.  Don't get me wrong, my family and friends have been supportive, but let's face it, how can they possibly know what I truly want, if I don't know myself?

I told my aunt today that I am allowing myself to be a bit selfish.  I have decided that this is MY time to shine, and if I have to be a bit selfish in order to accomplish that, then that's exactly what I'm going to do.  It feels so amazing to finally have that self discovery!  I feel happier than I have in years and all it took was for me to decide that MY happiness is what's important.  I know that because of my past, some people will say, "Here we go again", or "What is it you think you want to do now", but you know what...I really don't care because this is MY journey.  It's my life.  People will react negatively because my path is different from theirs.  I didn't know what I was supposed to be.  I didn't know what my career choice should be or what I wanted to do with my life. But just because my path is different, doesn't make it wrong.  It just took me a little while longer to realize what I wanted.
I've had countless jobs that I blew off, quit, or got fired from because I didn't love what I was doing and couldn't stand doing it. I've had people tell me what they think I should be doing.  I've had people that were always there to bail me out of my failures and clean up my messes.  And I've never, until now, been able to say that all of those mistakes were MINE.  I own every single failure because it was me who failed.  I can openly accept responsibility for every action whether negative or positive because it was always me making those choices.  But now I am living for myself and if people can't understand or relate, then I am truly sorry because you're going to miss out on my journey.  I will no longer allow negativity or toxicity to be a part of my new life.  I want to continue to be a good person, but on my terms.  This clarity doesn't make me a just makes me strong, accountable, and responsible.

I have only shared this new me with a handful of people, and so far the reaction has been positive. One of my happiest moments so far on this journey, has been telling an ex-boyfriend about my new career path an what it is that I want to accomplish, and hearing him say that my choice is "the perfect fit for me." We are just starting to talk since the break up and we have been able to genuinely apologize for the mistakes we both made and accept responsibility for our actions. He was my best friend, and I couldn't imagine starting this journey and not being able to share it with him .  I'm happy that I did, and I know he will always support and encourage me, and this is why he was one of the first people I wanted to tell.  Mending that friendship is part of my healing process.  It's important to me because he is the only man that I have ever truly loved and I couldn't accept letting it end the way it did. Taking responsibility and being able to say, "Hey, I know I fucked up, too," has been the most liberating part so far.  No one ever wants to admit they were wrong or at fault for something, because it's so difficult, but once you do it....Oh man!  It feels amazing!

Having said all that, I would never change my past.  I don't have any regrets...none.  Every choice, every failure, every break up and heartache, every bad decision, and all the tears that I've cried, have made me the person I am today.  These things have molded me into the strong woman I am choosing to become. 

Until next time....

Peace & Love

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Why does love scare us?

Love is something we all want. To find that emotional connection with someone is so important to most of us. So why does it scare the hell out of us? Is it the commitment? Is it the fear of being rejected? Some people say they want these things and when they finally find someone who is willing to be committed and loyal, they do everything in their power to screw it up. Is it the age old notion of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence", or are people so used to not getting what they want, that they intentionally sabotage their every shot at true happiness?

Love is supposed to make us happy. It's not supposed to make us sad. But sometimes, true love does both. I believe that no relationship is perfect, and couples will always face difficult times. But it's how they choose to deal with the problems that speaks volumes about a relationship. If you throw your hands up and want to walk away every time there's a problem, that's not true love. True love is worth fighting for because it's so rare these days. To fight for something you believe in wholeheartedly, is a treasured quality that so few possess.

When, and if, you're lucky enough to find someone that loves you unconditionally, hold on for dear life because it may not ever happen again. These days, divorce is an easy option. The idea of breaking up is always kept close at hand...just in case.  For me, once you've found true love, breaking up should be deleted from your vocabulary. Fight for happiness and love like your life depends on it. Your partner might not know how to do this. So tell them how much you love them.  Tell them how empty your life would be without them. Make damn sure they know how important they are to you and that you will fight for this love because it's the most important thing in your life.

 If God chooses to bless you with the gift of true love, don't shame Him by throwing it away at the first sign of a problem. Don't be afraid of love. Embrace and accept this amazing gift!!

Sunday, March 13, 2016


Hello and welcome to my blog!!

I have to be honest with you, I barely knew what a blog was before tonight, but I had an A-HA moment earlier that is literally going to change my life! I will explain this later!

First of all, let me introduce name is Kristina and I am 44 years old. I consider myself to be a late bloomer. Not just in life, but in love, as well. My experiences in life & love are what inspired me to start this blog, and I am excited to share them with you!

All my life I have struggled with what I wanted to be when I "grew up". I never had a "calling" so to speak. I thought it was nursing because I love caring for people so much, but tonight I realized that my true passion is writing. I love to write!! Stories, letters, journal entries, anything! When we were assigned a paper in school and all of my friends were moaning and groaning, I couldn't wait! My mind would come alive with ideas and I couldn't wait to get started!

I have plans to go back to school this summer, now that I realize what I want to do. But for now I will write this blog. I will talk about life & love (obviously)! But I will also write about everything else in between. My dog, Coco, my family, my friends, and my failures in life & love. I am not a life coach, or a counselor, but I know that writing about my experiences helps me to heal and if it helps you, then it makes this even more rewarding!

I hope you enjoy reading my blog as much as I know I will enjoy writing it. ❤

Peace & Love,