Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Moving On...

It's 3:15 a.m. and I can't sleep, so I thought I'd do a little writing...

I realize that a few of my last entries have been sappy as hell, extremely emotional, and maybe a bit too much.  I'm not apologizing for that because it's how I felt at the time.  But I am happy to say that all that is going to change. I've dealt with the heartache, the disappointment, and the uncertainty of it all and I'm ready to move on.  I know that I will most likely never get the explanation I so desperately want and deserve, and I have made my peace with that.  We sometimes overestimate people and we don't realize that they don't have the same consideration towards others feelings as we do.  They are not capable of being respectful and honest, and because of their own issues, they're unable to "man-up" and do the right thing.  I cannot and will not allow myself to seem desperate for merely wanting answers, and I refuse to let anyone disrespect me any longer.  If you don't want to be in my life, then please, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Don't misunderstand...I'm not at all bitter, I'm just fed up with being disrespected, taken for granted, and tossed aside like a piece of garbage without any thought about my feelings.  The only person I should be worried about is ME. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough, and I have had enough.

God has bigger and better plans for me, and I TRULY believe that.  He would never place someone in my life that causes me this much pain, sorrow, and confusion.  Remember, "God will sometimes end a relationship for your protection.  Don't chase after the person he's trying to save you from."

Time to move on...

Food for thought: Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on ME.

Peace & Love

Sunday, April 24, 2016


I learned yesterday that one of my best friends suddenly lost his brother over the weekend.  My heart goes out to my friend and his family during their time of sorrow.  It brings back so many memories, as my friend also lost his mother when we were in junior high.  I cannot imagine what they must be going through right now.  My thoughts and prayers are with them and I pray that they are able to find some comfort and peace during this difficult time.

Loss comes in so many forms.  The death of a family member or a loved one, the loss of a pet, which is just like a family member, the end of a friendship, and the end of a marriage or a relationship can also fall under this category.  There are so many types of loss, but any form of it can cause sorrow and devastation.

I believe it's so important to let people know how we feel about them, as often as we have the opportunity because you never know if it might be the last time you see them.  None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and I want my friends and family to know exactly how I feel about them. This is why I always say goodbye with a hug and a kiss, and an "I love you." I never want to have regrets about what I should've said or done.  And if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't want my loved ones to wonder how I felt about them.

I try my hardest to be honest with people and make sure that they know how I feel, but sometimes we take for granted that people just know.  Sometimes they don't.  So take the extra time today to tell someone how important they are to you.  Hug them a few seconds longer.  Make the extra effort to make them smile, and always tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you if you have the chance.  We never know if it might be the last time we see them.

When I pray tonight, I will pray for my friend and his family.  I will pray for my friends, family, and loved ones.  And to those who are dearest to me...if I haven't said it to you in awhile, I love you, I miss you, and you mean the world to me!  Have a blessed day!

Peace & Love,

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Drunk On My Tears...

I recently wrote an entry entitled, "Forgive and Move Forward" regarding an ex-boyfriend, who we'll call "Mr. Country Boy" or "CB" for short.  CB came back into my life after weeks of us being apart and said he wanted to be "friends" and possibly give our relationship another chance.  I wasn't sure how I felt about this, at first, because getting over him was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But who am I kidding, I missed him so much, that I was willing to try this whole"friends" thing and see what would happen.  You know when you're in a relationship with someone and they become your best friend?  That's how it was with CB and I.  Well, at least for me.  He was the first person I would want to talk to whenever something good, or bad happened to me.  He was the one person I wanted to tell everything to.  When we broke-up and I lost that privilege, it was devastating.  Not only did I lose the person I loved most in this world, but I lost my best friend, too.  I missed talking to him, and spending time with him.  I missed laughing with him.  I missed doing everything and doing absolutely nothing with him.  I missed him terribly.  My heart was broken.  I was broken.

But eventually, I started to heal.  I moved on.  I started dating again, and I had a new outlook on life and I was making HUGE changes.  I decided that I needed to change some things about myself in order to be happy.  I was putting myself first, for a change.  The changes I made were changes that I wish I would've made long ago, but I obviously wasn't ready until the break-up.  Breaking up and choosing to walk away from a relationship that had gotten very toxic, was so hard for me.  I've never been a strong person, but my faith and lots of prayer gave me the strength I needed to leave CB.  But the aftermath was absolutely horrible and I knew I needed to become a different person; a better person.  So, I began slowly.  I realized what I wanted to do with my life, and I put that plan into motion.  I even started going to counseling because I needed an unbiased opinion regarding the difficult journey that was ahead of me. Counseling has given me the power to realize who I really am and what my next move should be.  It has been the foundation for my strength on this new road that lies ahead of me. It's amazing what you find out about yourself in counseling.  I've learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and more importantly, I've finally accepted that I AM WORTH IT!  I realize my true worth, and I know what I deserve.  Not just in life, but in love.

But when CB came back into my life, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I truly believed that I could give him another chance.  I wanted to "Forgive and Move Forward".  One thing you have to understand about CB, is that, he is a black or white kind of guy.  There's never a gray area.  He's extremely stubborn and doesn't give second chances.  He's never even tried to be friends with an ex-girlfriend.  So, when he popped back into my life, I was literally in shock that he even wanted to talk to me, much less try to be friends, and possibly more.  I was so happy!

We spent some time together and really enjoyed being around each other again.  We laughed a lot and talked a lot, and to me, it felt just like old times.  It was so easy to slip back into old patterns.  I was so comfortable around him, just like I had always been, and eventually that comfort got me into trouble.  One morning, after spending an amazing couple of days together, I told him how I felt about him, us, and trying again.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had made a mistake of gargantuan proportion.  (I explained this in another entry, "Too Much, Too Soon").  I apologized more than once, because it was painfully obvious that his feelings weren't the same as mine.  But he reassured me that we were OK, and no harm was done.  He said he just wasn't ready to have that conversation yet, and that he wasn't able to "process" all that information.  I admitted to him that I wasn't apologizing for expressing my feelings, because that's how I felt, and it was important to me that he knew that especially since he would be leaving for a job overseas pretty soon.  I was, however, apologizing for the bad timing of it all.  I felt bad for being so emotional and just throwing all of my feelings out there so soon.  I have this horrible habit of putting myself out there regardless of the outcome.  I tend to give people way too much credit, and I get hurt often because of this.  He never said he didn't feel the same way, he just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  I wasn't ready to jump back into the relationship at that very moment.  I just thought he would appreciate my honesty and that he would be happy knowing that someone truly loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

We had the ability to be great together.  He's such an amazing person!  He wasn't perfect, but neither am I.  Who the hell is???  But we have so much in common, and we are so comfortable around each other.  We can make each other laugh, and I love how he encourages me to try new things.  New things that I eventually grew to love!  He's supportive, understanding, funny, kind, and a great dad. These are just some of the reasons that I fell in love with him in the first place.  But he always had trouble communicating with me.  For some reason, it was so hard for him to open up to me and I don't think he ever completely opened his heart up to me, and so the relationship was doomed to fail. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it work on my own and the love I had for him wasn't enough to keep the relationship alive.  I stayed longer than I should have, but I didn't want to give up on him.  I was adamant that I could fix things, and in the end, we ended up resenting each other and hurt each other terribly. 

This is why I was so excited and grateful that he was back in my life.  I loved him still and I was ready to move at whatever pace he wanted to because I felt blessed just to have another chance to make things work.  But now, for whatever reason, he refuses to even talk to me.  He hasn't returned my text messages or phone calls, and I have no idea what I've done wrong.  We were talking everyday, and now...nothing.  Once again, my heart is breaking.  It's breaking because I am being forced to accept that we are obviously not meant to be together.  If being together was something he really wanted, he would make damn sure that I knew it.  He would do anything to prove that he thought I was worth it.  But by him ignoring me and just tossing me aside with such ease, I am realizing that this isn't what he wants.  I just wish he had the decency to give me the courtesy of an explanation.  I deserve at least that much. 

I wish the outcome would have been different or that he would at least respect me enough to talk to me and tell me what he's thinking and wanting, but I know that I'm hoping for that in vain.  So, now I'm having to let go of him all over again and it makes me so sad.  But I know that it has to be done.  I will heal and move on again.  I have made so much personal progress in the past few months and I will concentrate on that to keep me busy and I will continue to work to reach my goal of moving and starting a new life for myself.  I wanted so much for him to be a part of that plan, but I don't think that's going to happen. So for tonight, I will get drunk on my tears and try to fall asleep, and hopefully wake up ready to move on.

CB, if you're reading this, I hope you know that I don't regret anything.  Getting to have you back in my life, no matter how short lived it was, was amazing.  I'm so grateful that we had the opportunity to spend time together, laugh together, look at the stars together, ride the bike together, and talk about all sorts of things. Falling asleep with you and waking up with you were always some of my favorite things to do and I'm so happy that I got to do them a few more times.  I know that you've been hurt in the past, but I want you to know that I would've NEVER done any of those things to you. I would never have treated you the way your exes did.  I would've loved you and your son forever.  I don't know what I did to push you away, but whatever I did, or didn't do, you have to know that I didn't do it intentionally.  If I pushed too hard, just know I did it because I love you and I really wanted this to work.  I just got excited and maybe a little carried away, but I never meant to hurt you or push you away.  I will miss you terribly, but I hope that one day if we run into each other, we can say "hello" and be civil.  I want nothing but the best for you, even if that doesn't include me.  I hope you will be happy and successful in your new job, or wherever life may take you. 

I sincerely hope that when you think of me, they will be good thoughts.  When I hear one of the thousands of songs that remind me of you, or when I see a car that I know you would love, or when I think of New Orleans or some other private joke we have, or when one of the millions of memories that we've made together enters my mind and I am reminded of you, know that I will smile. Yee Yee!


Sunday, April 17, 2016

A Good Day!

I spent yesterday with my family, and it was a good day!  I love getting the opportunity to spend time with my niece and nephew.  Spending time with them always brightens my day, no matter what else is going on in my life.  Seeing those kids laugh, smile, and just be innocent children is what makes life worth living.

I don't have any children of my own.  I suffered with Endometriosis for 10 years and ultimately chose to have a hysterectomy at the age of 35.  It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but the pain became unbearable and it affected all areas of my life.  I lost jobs, dropped out of school, and suffered with depression as a result.  After a lot of prayer, and with the support of my family, friends, and church family, I was able to be at peace with my decision.  Having a family of my own was always so important to me, but eventually my health and well being became more important.

I look back now and I wish I would never have been faced with having to make that decision, but I know it was all a part of God's plan.  Realizing that I would never experience the joy of being pregnant, or having and raising children of my own was devastating.  At first, I was resentful, angry, and frustrated, but over the years I have made peace with it and have accepted that it was always a part of God's will.  My faith is strong and like every other situation in my life, my faith has seen me through.  It has given me the strength to accept things and move on.

My niece and nephew are my heart's joy.  There's nothing I love more than spending time with them. My nephew will be 6 years old next month and we have always been close.  Words cannot express how much I love & adore that kid!  I couldn't be more grateful for the closeness we share.  He will always have my heart!  My niece just turned 1 last month, and although she is young, I believe we share a special bond, as well.  She has the best disposition and is always happy!  Her smile melts my heart and I know that as she gets older, we will continue to be close.  Those children can make me smile like no one else can and they prove to me that whatever pain and sadness I might be going through, is only temporary.  I couldn't love anything or anyone more than I love those kiddos!

I love children, and I hope that when I meet someone and fall in love, that man has a child/children so that I can love them as much as I love my niece and nephew.  I have so much love to give a child, and even though I can't have any, I know that I am capable of loving my partner's child/children as much as I would if they were my very own.

Through everything I've endured with the Endometriosis and hysterectomy, I realize that God still has a plan for me.  And just because this plan does not include me getting pregnant and having children of my own, it does not mean that I am not able to love someone else's child the same way I would if I had given birth to them.

God always has a plan and he knows what he's doing.  I accept this, and believe in it wholeheartedly. My faith sustains me and gets me through the day.  Without it, I honestly don't know where I would be.  I realize how blessed I am to have my niece and nephew in my life, and I will continue to be grateful and love them as only their favorite aunt can!!!

Peace & Love

Friday, April 15, 2016

What a girl wants...

When it comes to relationships, what is it that we are looking for?  The most common answers are; trust, respect, and loyalty.  But what if we dig a little deeper for that answer?!?  Some women say they want the fairy tale kind of love, but let's be serious...does that kind of love REALLY exist??  I don't think so.  Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe I've just never experienced it, but I'm still going to go out on a limb and say NO!

So, here's what I would love in a partner: (It's a long list, I know!  But I truly believe it's possible for ONE man to possess all of these qualities)

I want a man who has an AMAZING smile!  A smile that can make me grin from ear to ear just looking at it.  Ladies, you know what I mean...when your man is smiling and you can't help but smile too because it's just that freaking AMAZING!!!

I want a man with a GREAT sense of humor!  Someone who will not only laugh at my stupid jokes, and how goofy I can be (I should've been a blonde), but who can also laugh at himself.  We all do dumb things from time to time, and instead of being critical, just laugh it off!  Life should be filled with laughter.  I think this one is so important!!!

I want a man who makes me feel safe.  It's not about beating up every guy who looks at me, but stick up for me when you know I'm right, or when I'm being disrespected.  I am a strong woman who can stick up for myself, but sometimes I want my man to defend my honor and have my back.  Making me feel safe is important because YOU are my HOME.  Where you are is where I want to be, and we all want to feel safe at home.  Hold me when I'm sad, reassure me when I'm scared or worried, and console me when I feel that nothing is going right.  I will do the same for you.

I want a man who is honest.  I know we are sometimes tempted to tell a "little" lie to save face or when we are trying to avoid an argument, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, know that we, as women, will almost always find out the truth, and when we do, it's devastating.  And when someone lies to you, it is a sign of disrespect.  Any lie, no matter how big or small, is still a lie, and what's worse, is that it plants a seed of doubt in our minds that we can never get past.  I would rather you be completely honest with me, and hurt my feelings, than lie to me and break my heart!

I want a man who will support me.  Not financially!!!  Let me say that again...NOT financially!!! Support my dreams, my goals, and my ideas.  Some of my ideas will be goofy as hell, but support me anyway.  Your support and encouragement are what keeps me going.  It's what motivates me to be the best version of myself, which in turn makes me a better person for you and our relationship.

I want a man who listens to me.  Take a minute to ask me how my day was, because I want to know how yours was, too.  Listen to me when I have a problem, or when I'm worried about something.  It might have to do with our relationship, and it might not.  But if it does, be open-minded.  I will not criticize or judge you, but I will let you know when I'm feeling overwhelmed or if I feel that something is wrong.  Communication is so, so, so, important!!!  Just take the time to hear me out.

I want a man I can trust.  When you truly love someone, the issue of trusting them should never be an issue.  It should come as naturally as your love does.  After all, when you're truly in love, the idea of being with someone else, or talking to someone else should be non-existent.  When I am in love with you, you should know that you're the only one for me.  I will not cheat, or lie.  I will move heaven and earth to make the relationship work, and I will never give you a reason to doubt me.  If you are even thinking about cheating, then respect me enough to tell me it's over, and let me move on.  Don't waste my time.

I want a man who will respect me.  When I'm in love with you; I'm YOURS.  I am entrusting my heart, my body, my mind, and my soul to you.  Please don't ever take me for granted.  Respect me and everything about me.  Know that I will always do my best for you and I will NEVER disrespect you.  Treat me like I am the most precious thing in your life.  You shouldn't ever want any harm to come my way and you should never want to hurt me.

I want a man who loves me unconditionally.  Love me regardless of my faults.  Love me when I look good.  Love me when I'm wearing pajamas, hair up in a ponytail, with no make-up on.  Love me when I feel unlovable.  Love me even though I'm a little insecure.  Love me even though I'm not at my ideal weight.  Love me even though I'm not perfect.  Love me because YOU think I'm perfect for YOU.  Love me when my favorite college football team loses a game and you know I'm upset. Love me when I fail, and not only when I am successful.  Love me when I am brave, and not only when I'm afraid.  Love me because I love you.

I want a man who is romantic.  No, I don't need flowers all the time.  But romance to me is doing something unexpected for the one you love.  Surprising them with concert tickets, or a trip to Fiesta Texas.  Surprising them with a special dinner and their favorite bottle of wine.  Surprising them with a spur of the moment weekend getaway.  It doesn't have to be anything fancy or expensive, just thoughtful.  Expensive gifts don't matter much to me. What matters to me is the thought that's put into it.

I want a man that can't wait to talk to me.  He texts and calls because he wants to know how and what I'm doing.  He'll call just to say hi, and he knows how much I love those Good Morning text messages, because it means he's thinking about me when he wakes up.  I want to be the first person he calls when something good OR bad happens.  I want to be the last person he talks to before he goes to sleep and the first person he talks to when he gets his day started.  I know this is not always realistic, but you get the idea.

I want a man who knows that it's the little things that count.  Know that I am NOT a high maintenance girl; I'm most comfortable in T-shirts, cut-off shorts, and flip-flops.  Know that when you send me a text just to say that you love me, it will make my entire day.  Know that a forehead kiss is probably the most romantic thing you can do and I love that.  Know that I love it when you open my car door and ask the waitress to please bring me an unsweetened tea, with extra lemon, to go. Know that I love it when you play with my hair, and hold my hand.  Know that I absolutely love it when you tell me I'm beautiful.  Know what kind of trash bags I like to use, and how much I love that you stop to kiss me when you pass by me. Know that  I am happiest when you bring me a cup of coffee in the morning!  Know that as a Southern man, you MUST open the door for me!!!  Just know ME, and what makes me happy. I'm pretty easy to please!

There's so much more I could write!  Not necessarily about the things I want, but about little things that mean so much to me.  But if you're the man that is in love with me, you will be able to figure those things out in time!

With all that said, just know that if you are the man I am in love with, all of these things on my list will definitely be reciprocated.  I will love you unconditionally.  I will respect you and be honest with you.  I will always do my best to make you feel safe and be that person that you can always depend on.  I will always support you and be your biggest cheerleader.  I will surprise you with things I know you love and I will try my hardest to make you laugh and keep you smiling that smile that I love so much.  I promise to be thoughtful, caring, loyal, and most importantly, I promise to always be your friend and not forget about what makes YOU happy.  I will take care of you and always love you because I will be YOUR home.

Peace & Love,

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Too Much, Too Soon

Ever feel like you've said too much?  At the time, you thought you were doing the right thing because you were being completely honest and felt it was important for the other person to know exactly how you felt. But then the inevitable happens...the other person gets distant, doesn't call or text, and you're left feeling like the biggest dumb ass ever.  You were so caught up in the moment and only wanted to express your true feelings because you thought the other person would be receptive, or at least have something to say.

So now, I feel like a fool.  I totally understand that they might not have been ready to discuss certain things, but I still feel stupid.  I don't know how to move on from this because it's already out there.  I feel like the damage has been done.  What do I do now??  I have already apologized but I can't shake the feeling that I might have made a huge mistake.  My intentions were never to make them feel uncomfortable or pressured, I only wanted to be honest and upfront.  I think it was too much, too soon, and I'm worried that my actions might have pushed them away.

Should I feel bad?  I want to be able to say exactly what's on my mind.  I need to be able to express my thoughts and feelings without remorse or feeling like a fool.  I'm not sure where to go from here because there has been no contact.  I normally take the initiative and make the first move, but I'm trying to give them some space to think about what I said and decide if they want to move forward or not.  The fact that we haven't spoken or had any contact terrifies me that something bad is coming.  If something bad is coming, then I am as prepared as I'll ever be for the bad news.  I hope it doesn't come to that, but either way, I will be okay.

I guess I need to be more careful and not put myself out there so much.  I'm still afraid of getting hurt but I'm more afraid of not taking chances.  I don't want to miss out on something that might bring me happiness, and so I sometimes speak without thinking.  I might want to rethink that next time!  I can only pray that I haven't caused any permanent damage.

Peace & Love,

Friday, April 8, 2016

Forgive and Move Forward

While choosing to forgive someone may not always be easy, trying to forget the situation or wrong doing done to you is almost impossible.  Forgiving someone for the hurt they have caused you is not always a quick process.  For some, it could take years.  For others, not quite as long. But choosing to forgive someone is good for the soul.  It gives you a sense of peace and allows you to move on and let go of the damage that was done.  Trying to forgive yourself, is another story altogether.  That, my friends, is never an easy feat.

Over the past few weeks, I have been in contact with someone from my past.  Someone who is very special to me.  We have history, and at one point, we were in love and pretty serious.  But things slowly began to fall apart.  We hurt each other deeply and eventually ended the relationship.  Now, he has come back into my life and we are trying to start over.  Trying to mend our friendship, first and foremost, but also hoping to give our relationship a second chance.  We both know where we went wrong, and the mistakes we made, but there are still feelings there and we are curious to see if we can make this relationship work.  Being able to forgive each other for the mistakes we made is not the problem, but forgetting is an entirely different story.  I really don't believe that it's humanly possible to forget something that caused your heart to break, but I do believe that you can choose to let it go and move past it.  We can choose to let go of the pain, anger, and sorrow that it caused us but the memory of it will always be present.  I don't ever want to use that against him or throw it in his face, but it is important to me that the only power I allow it to have is to only be a memory and not a life sentence.

If we are successful the second time around, I know that I will cherish him, and us, forever because of  everything we went through to get to this point.  Realizing our mistakes and where we went wrong, learning from those mistakes, being apart, missing each other enough to want to try again, and truly recognizing each others worth while we were apart says so much to me about how strong our relationship is, and can be. We both believe that we needed to break up and take this time apart to fully realize how much we want to be together.  We needed that time to realize the importance of what we had and how much we mean to each other.  I think it was the smartest thing we could have done.  I hate that we hurt each other so much, but that pain has made me a different person and I am grateful for that.  It has made me realize the person I want to be and I would never have made that realization had it not been for our relationship falling apart.

I am certain that I am able to let go of the past and concentrate only on our future, if we have one.  I know that being with him is what I want and that I will fight for us everyday.  I will take care of him and put no one before him. He will be my family and all of the bad will remain in the past.  I will love him, trust him, and respect him enough to forgive him and move on.  After all, isn't that what true love is all about? Forgiveness and moving forward?? 

Only time will tell, but I am confident that I am a strong enough person to put all the bad behind me and love him again.  He means enough to me that, if we decide to put forth the time and effort that this reconciliation deserves, I will make sure that I will never deliberately hurt him again, and I pray he can promise me the same thing.  Our love deserves a second chance.  WE deserve a second chance.  

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, forgiveness is key.  It is so important.  And although we may not be able to fully forget, you must be willing to let it go if you want to move forward.  

I am choosing to let it go.  I choose us.

Peace & Love