I haven't felt like myself lately, which is why I haven't written in awhile. I've been doing a lot of writing, but only for myself. I've been writing things that are far too personal to share, and I have to admit that I had hoped it would help me to feel better about things, but I seem to only get lost in my words. Usually my writing helps me to see things more clearly, and helps me to understand the jumbled thoughts that have clouded my judgment. But lately I have been fighting a personal struggle and I have been unable to evade my confusion.
Earlier this summer, I took a leap of faith and moved to a new city to start a new life for myself. I accepted a job that I was excited about, and packed up my car and my dog, Coco, and we set out on a new adventure. After only a few weeks at this new job, my employer began cheating me out of pay. He deliberately cheated me out of hours worked, and adjusted my time sheets and only paid me what he wanted to. For fear of getting fired, I let it slide the first two times he did this, but when it happened a third time, I knew I had to stand up for myself and say something. When I did, my worst fear came through. He not only fired me, but evicted me from the home I was sharing with my cousin because he was the owner. He gave me three days to be out of the house. I refused to give up and go back home because I was adamant that I could still make this work.
Everyday is a struggle because I know that I am capable of more than this. I know that I should be doing more than this. I know that I should have a job where I feel challenged, and useful. Where I can use my experience and training, and not just pray for good tips. Don't get me wrong, I love waiting tables. I love the interaction with people and getting to meet and talk to people I might not have the chance to talk to outside of work. But at my age and with my background, I should be doing something more. The job market here is unstable and there's not many opportunities. So, I do what I need to do, but I'm not satisfied with that. I want more.
I have seriously thought about selling everything I own and just traveling. I would give anything to be able to combine the two things I love the most; traveling and writing, and make a living. But I worry that that's an unattainable goal. That maybe it's not realistic. Some would say that I need to do whatever it takes to "pay the bills" and live a normal life, but what if I'm meant to do more than that? What if I'm meant to live outside the box? Let's face it, my life has been anything but normal. I didn't meet the love of my life in college, then graduate and get married to move on and have 2.5 kids, live in the suburbs and drive a minivan. And honestly, I can't imagine that I would've been happy with that life. I'm not saying it's not a good life....it's just not for me. I'm not saying that I should've been famous or anything like that, I just always saw my life so differently.
And now, here I am, single and unhappy. So, what do I do to change all that? Where do I start? These are the questions that haunt me daily. I feel like I'm drowning because I absolutely HATE what my life has become. I have no desire to wake up day after day to do the same damn thing over and over for the rest of my life. I don't want to go to the same job everyday, with the same people, making shitty money just to pay rent and bills. For me, that's just not enough. I want to LIVE and LOVE my life. Someone told me the other day that it was nearly impossible to find a job that you love. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that. I refuse to believe that. It may not be within my grasp right now, but I know it's out there. There has to be more to life than repetition. There has to be more to life than working for people like the man who screwed me out of pay that I earned.
I want so badly to make a plan for 2017 that will allow me to spread my wings and find myself. To figure out who I really am and not who people think I should be. Because who I've tried to be for the past 45 years just isn't working for me anymore.
Peace & Love,