One thing you have to understand about me is that, I've always been the type of person that needed approval from others. For the majority of my life, I have taken the path that others thought I should take. I chose a career path that others thought I should choose because of job security, financial stability, and other reasons. I have always been worried about someone else's feelings and whether or not they approved of my life choices. But with this new clarity, I realize that I can no longer live this way. Who is thinking of my feelings and my happiness? No one. Don't get me wrong, my family and friends have been supportive, but let's face it, how can they possibly know what I truly want, if I don't know myself?
I told my aunt today that I am allowing myself to be a bit selfish. I have decided that this is MY time to shine, and if I have to be a bit selfish in order to accomplish that, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. It feels so amazing to finally have that self discovery! I feel happier than I have in years and all it took was for me to decide that MY happiness is what's important. I know that because of my past, some people will say, "Here we go again", or "What is it you think you want to do now", but you know what...I really don't care because this is MY journey. It's my life. People will react negatively because my path is different from theirs. I didn't know what I was supposed to be. I didn't know what my career choice should be or what I wanted to do with my life. But just because my path is different, doesn't make it wrong. It just took me a little while longer to realize what I wanted.
I've had countless jobs that I blew off, quit, or got fired from because I didn't love what I was doing and couldn't stand doing it. I've had people tell me what they think I should be doing. I've had people that were always there to bail me out of my failures and clean up my messes. And I've never, until now, been able to say that all of those mistakes were MINE. I own every single failure because it was me who failed. I can openly accept responsibility for every action whether negative or positive because it was always me making those choices. But now I am living for myself and if people can't understand or relate, then I am truly sorry because you're going to miss out on my journey. I will no longer allow negativity or toxicity to be a part of my new life. I want to continue to be a good person, but on my terms. This clarity doesn't make me a bitch...it just makes me strong, accountable, and responsible.
I have only shared this new me with a handful of people, and so far the reaction has been positive. One of my happiest moments so far on this journey, has been telling an ex-boyfriend about my new career path an what it is that I want to accomplish, and hearing him say that my choice is "the perfect fit for me." We are just starting to talk since the break up and we have been able to genuinely apologize for the mistakes we both made and accept responsibility for our actions. He was my best friend, and I couldn't imagine starting this journey and not being able to share it with him . I'm happy that I did, and I know he will always support and encourage me, and this is why he was one of the first people I wanted to tell. Mending that friendship is part of my healing process. It's important to me because he is the only man that I have ever truly loved and I couldn't accept letting it end the way it did. Taking responsibility and being able to say, "Hey, I know I fucked up, too," has been the most liberating part so far. No one ever wants to admit they were wrong or at fault for something, because it's so difficult, but once you do it....Oh man! It feels amazing!
Having said all that, I would never change my past. I don't have any regrets...none. Every choice, every failure, every break up and heartache, every bad decision, and all the tears that I've cried, have made me the person I am today. These things have molded me into the strong woman I am choosing to become.
Until next time....
Peace & Love