So many people have self-destructive behaviors. It can be anything from drugs, to alcohol, even sex. Lying, or the inability to be completely honest can also be thrown in this category. For me, my self-destructive behavior has always been settling in a relationship when I knew that I deserved more. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I always figured that it was better to be with someone even if I was unhappy, than to be alone. I didn't want to be alone because having a boyfriend was fun....sometimes! You always have someone to go to Walmart with, go out with, and you don't have to go to family functions alone anymore and have everyone asking, "Mija, why are you still single?" Or saying "you're better off without that asshole!"
Well, while the latter was usually true, I still didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to grow old alone. I could never be that lonely old cat lady because I don't like cats, but growing old alone just seems so unbelievably sad! I don't want that! I guess it works for some, but I always saw myself growing old with someone. Preferably the love of my life and not some damn cats.
What I have realized lately is that I settled because I didn't realize my true worth. I'm still not anywhere near the person I want to be, but I'm working on it! And this time, I won't give up. I'm a good person with a huge heart and lots of love to give. I'm honest and loyal and I love doing things for others. My biggest flaw has been that I don't love myself. I was never happy with myself and this is what I'm working on. I don't believe you can truly love someone and make a relationship work until you love yourself. Yes, you can be in love with someone, but eventually your inability to be happy with yourself will begin to destroy the relationship.
I know God has a plan for me. I know that I am finally on the path that He has chosen for me and my Faith will guide me on the rest of my journey. I won't give up and I won't allow my old self-destructive behaviors to get in the way again. From here on out, it's about me and my happiness and my goals. I will love again when I love myself.
Peace & Love,