Saturday, April 23, 2016

Drunk On My Tears...

I recently wrote an entry entitled, "Forgive and Move Forward" regarding an ex-boyfriend, who we'll call "Mr. Country Boy" or "CB" for short.  CB came back into my life after weeks of us being apart and said he wanted to be "friends" and possibly give our relationship another chance.  I wasn't sure how I felt about this, at first, because getting over him was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But who am I kidding, I missed him so much, that I was willing to try this whole"friends" thing and see what would happen.  You know when you're in a relationship with someone and they become your best friend?  That's how it was with CB and I.  Well, at least for me.  He was the first person I would want to talk to whenever something good, or bad happened to me.  He was the one person I wanted to tell everything to.  When we broke-up and I lost that privilege, it was devastating.  Not only did I lose the person I loved most in this world, but I lost my best friend, too.  I missed talking to him, and spending time with him.  I missed laughing with him.  I missed doing everything and doing absolutely nothing with him.  I missed him terribly.  My heart was broken.  I was broken.

But eventually, I started to heal.  I moved on.  I started dating again, and I had a new outlook on life and I was making HUGE changes.  I decided that I needed to change some things about myself in order to be happy.  I was putting myself first, for a change.  The changes I made were changes that I wish I would've made long ago, but I obviously wasn't ready until the break-up.  Breaking up and choosing to walk away from a relationship that had gotten very toxic, was so hard for me.  I've never been a strong person, but my faith and lots of prayer gave me the strength I needed to leave CB.  But the aftermath was absolutely horrible and I knew I needed to become a different person; a better person.  So, I began slowly.  I realized what I wanted to do with my life, and I put that plan into motion.  I even started going to counseling because I needed an unbiased opinion regarding the difficult journey that was ahead of me. Counseling has given me the power to realize who I really am and what my next move should be.  It has been the foundation for my strength on this new road that lies ahead of me. It's amazing what you find out about yourself in counseling.  I've learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and more importantly, I've finally accepted that I AM WORTH IT!  I realize my true worth, and I know what I deserve.  Not just in life, but in love.

But when CB came back into my life, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I truly believed that I could give him another chance.  I wanted to "Forgive and Move Forward".  One thing you have to understand about CB, is that, he is a black or white kind of guy.  There's never a gray area.  He's extremely stubborn and doesn't give second chances.  He's never even tried to be friends with an ex-girlfriend.  So, when he popped back into my life, I was literally in shock that he even wanted to talk to me, much less try to be friends, and possibly more.  I was so happy!

We spent some time together and really enjoyed being around each other again.  We laughed a lot and talked a lot, and to me, it felt just like old times.  It was so easy to slip back into old patterns.  I was so comfortable around him, just like I had always been, and eventually that comfort got me into trouble.  One morning, after spending an amazing couple of days together, I told him how I felt about him, us, and trying again.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I had made a mistake of gargantuan proportion.  (I explained this in another entry, "Too Much, Too Soon").  I apologized more than once, because it was painfully obvious that his feelings weren't the same as mine.  But he reassured me that we were OK, and no harm was done.  He said he just wasn't ready to have that conversation yet, and that he wasn't able to "process" all that information.  I admitted to him that I wasn't apologizing for expressing my feelings, because that's how I felt, and it was important to me that he knew that especially since he would be leaving for a job overseas pretty soon.  I was, however, apologizing for the bad timing of it all.  I felt bad for being so emotional and just throwing all of my feelings out there so soon.  I have this horrible habit of putting myself out there regardless of the outcome.  I tend to give people way too much credit, and I get hurt often because of this.  He never said he didn't feel the same way, he just wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  I wasn't ready to jump back into the relationship at that very moment.  I just thought he would appreciate my honesty and that he would be happy knowing that someone truly loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

We had the ability to be great together.  He's such an amazing person!  He wasn't perfect, but neither am I.  Who the hell is???  But we have so much in common, and we are so comfortable around each other.  We can make each other laugh, and I love how he encourages me to try new things.  New things that I eventually grew to love!  He's supportive, understanding, funny, kind, and a great dad. These are just some of the reasons that I fell in love with him in the first place.  But he always had trouble communicating with me.  For some reason, it was so hard for him to open up to me and I don't think he ever completely opened his heart up to me, and so the relationship was doomed to fail. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it work on my own and the love I had for him wasn't enough to keep the relationship alive.  I stayed longer than I should have, but I didn't want to give up on him.  I was adamant that I could fix things, and in the end, we ended up resenting each other and hurt each other terribly. 

This is why I was so excited and grateful that he was back in my life.  I loved him still and I was ready to move at whatever pace he wanted to because I felt blessed just to have another chance to make things work.  But now, for whatever reason, he refuses to even talk to me.  He hasn't returned my text messages or phone calls, and I have no idea what I've done wrong.  We were talking everyday, and now...nothing.  Once again, my heart is breaking.  It's breaking because I am being forced to accept that we are obviously not meant to be together.  If being together was something he really wanted, he would make damn sure that I knew it.  He would do anything to prove that he thought I was worth it.  But by him ignoring me and just tossing me aside with such ease, I am realizing that this isn't what he wants.  I just wish he had the decency to give me the courtesy of an explanation.  I deserve at least that much. 

I wish the outcome would have been different or that he would at least respect me enough to talk to me and tell me what he's thinking and wanting, but I know that I'm hoping for that in vain.  So, now I'm having to let go of him all over again and it makes me so sad.  But I know that it has to be done.  I will heal and move on again.  I have made so much personal progress in the past few months and I will concentrate on that to keep me busy and I will continue to work to reach my goal of moving and starting a new life for myself.  I wanted so much for him to be a part of that plan, but I don't think that's going to happen. So for tonight, I will get drunk on my tears and try to fall asleep, and hopefully wake up ready to move on.

CB, if you're reading this, I hope you know that I don't regret anything.  Getting to have you back in my life, no matter how short lived it was, was amazing.  I'm so grateful that we had the opportunity to spend time together, laugh together, look at the stars together, ride the bike together, and talk about all sorts of things. Falling asleep with you and waking up with you were always some of my favorite things to do and I'm so happy that I got to do them a few more times.  I know that you've been hurt in the past, but I want you to know that I would've NEVER done any of those things to you. I would never have treated you the way your exes did.  I would've loved you and your son forever.  I don't know what I did to push you away, but whatever I did, or didn't do, you have to know that I didn't do it intentionally.  If I pushed too hard, just know I did it because I love you and I really wanted this to work.  I just got excited and maybe a little carried away, but I never meant to hurt you or push you away.  I will miss you terribly, but I hope that one day if we run into each other, we can say "hello" and be civil.  I want nothing but the best for you, even if that doesn't include me.  I hope you will be happy and successful in your new job, or wherever life may take you. 

I sincerely hope that when you think of me, they will be good thoughts.  When I hear one of the thousands of songs that remind me of you, or when I see a car that I know you would love, or when I think of New Orleans or some other private joke we have, or when one of the millions of memories that we've made together enters my mind and I am reminded of you, know that I will smile. Yee Yee!


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